No baby yet

Just checking in to say, "All is well".

I had contractions coming every 12-15 minutes throughout the afternoon yesterday, but only when I was standing up and moving around.  The moment I sat down, a.k.a. "changed my activity" as the books say, they all but stopped.  Interestingly, the baby was simultaneously very active, shimmying and seemingly responding to the surges.

Wednesday was a quiet day, but I noticed the tightening of my uterus every half-hour or so on Tuesday.  My body must just be practicing and preparing for the real thing.

Now I'm hoping that if this is not the day, no contractions please.  How unpleasant and distracting.  I'd much rather wait for the real thing, then hunker down and focus.  No more, please . . . not until you're ready to come, little one.

This is also not to mention the fact that there is a blizzard coming today.  The roads are completely iced due to rain and 6-8 hours of snow melt yesterday, with temps dropping rapidly by mid-afternoon.  The wind is from the north, fierce, and the snow is just starting to fall thickly.

We've talked about the potential of an unassisted birth and feel fairly confident and comfortable with it.  If travel were completely restricted, I'd certainly rather be at home by myself instead of en route during a blizzard. 

We also have an unassisted birth kit circulated in these parts by a doula friend and birth advocate, "just in case", which adds to the comfort level.  It has all the tools, tinctures, manuals, and instructional charts that we would need for a successful (normal and uncomplicated) birth on our own.  I would certainly rather be tended to by a midwife, though.

It will be interesting to see how this all plays out -- I am feeling generally optimistic. 

Another wonderful thing to be thankful for is that Squeeze is home.  He saved two days off, just in case the baby came early, and the PTO cannot be transferred to 2011.  So we have a lovely 4-day weekend together. 

I'm so glad!  Lovely.

Over the hump, again

I'm feeling better again.  Thank goodness.

Writing about how I felt was very good for me yesterday.  So was writing about the warts.  Seriously.  It reminded me that there are other things going on in my life other than urinating, eating, grunting when I have to bend over, and the tightening of my uterus.

Which is happening a lot, by the way.  (All four.)

I also gave myself a good talking-to yesterday in the late morning.  Enough despair, I said.  Let's focus on the positive and make these last few days pleasant instead of miserable.  So, as it was beautifully sunny and 30 degrees outside, I suited up the boys and headed out.  They loved it. 

Then we ate lunch, read together, snuggled down, and both boys napped while I rested for a half-hour.  When I got up, I went into the gorgeously-lit sunroom and worked through a few things: sorting newborn clothes, writing up a birth plan, and bouncing ideas off my doula friend who is going to be here for the birth. 

It ended up being a pretty good day.

I have another appointment with my midwife today.  Let's hope it is the LAST.  Not because I don't want to see her, but because still being pregnant at this time next week might plunge me back into the pit.  And my due date isn't even until this Sunday!  What a wimp I am, having gone early with both boys.  I only expect the best!  And soon.

I've hit the wall, then a small wart remedy bunny-trail

PREGNANCY
39 weeks

My sense of peace?  Gone. 

I've tumbled into the end-of-pregnancy despair.  Just yesterday!  How can one week be so different from the last? 

I am not sleeping well -- that could have something to do with it.  I spent the hours from 1:00 AM to 5:00 AM in the hazy netherworld of wakefulness and half-sleep, having to get up and pee three times and up to eat once in that timeframe.

I want my body back.

I'm having a hard time, too, with squirrely little boys who are drawn to me with magnetic force and whose most joyful desire is to be doing all their happy games or wild play right next to me.  Or on me.  I am just so super-sensitive right now.  I don't want to be jostled, whacked, thumped, or hanged upon.  And, it seems that no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, it's happening.

I sound like such a crank.

I got out the newborn clothes yesterday.  And the diapers.  I'm mid-process with Truen's baby calendar.  I haven't touched the hem of the swaddling blanket or the mending pile. 

I cleaned out, washed walls, dusted, and vacuumed the entire downstairs bedroom last week.  It was so cathartic.  Upon closer inspection this morning, I saw a thin layer of dust on the vanity.  Despair!  Dusting really should be done once a week?!  Who has time for that?

WARTS
(I know, I know . . . such a shift of gears)

On the brighter side, we have been applying a homeopathic wart gel on Truen's five (count 'em: FIVE) warts: the giant one on his ring finger that he has had for over a year, the three smaller ones on the same hand and, the worst of all, the one he developed on his BOTTOM LIP this fall (a result of sucking on his big wart so much). 

And they are disappearing!  Shrinking, dying, falling off.  We started noticing change within a week and a half of using the gel.  What an easy and gentle remedy.  We sourced the gel from a compounding pharmacy in our area, on the advice of a friend.  It has been three weeks of application.

The wart on his lip is barely visible.  The one on his thumb actually fell off yesterday.  The two little ones on his hand have sunk back in and are no longer visible and the giant ring finger wart is turning brown and shrinking.

Victory!  We are so pleased.  And relieved. 

I mean, come on -- a lip wart?  Yikes.

39 weeks

There's a full-sized newborn in there!

Un-un-un-un

38 weeks

My sense of peace continues. 

I honestly feel like I am over the hump of late-pregnancy despair.  It feels so good.  Instead of feeling grumbly, I generally feel like myself, with the exception of having to urinate with unbelievable frequency.  I'm honestly wondering if the baby has engaged, because of how much I've had to use the bathroom this afternoon.  It has been every 10-15 minutes, with urgency.  I keep on feeling the top of my belly and it does seem lower.  ???

I still have a huge list of things I want to do before the baby is born.

• Dust the entire house
• Hem the new baby's swaddling blanket
• Finish my mending pile (something I only do once a year -- why?!  It's so easy.)
• Complete Truen's baby calendar (DOH.  Though all I have to do is organize and paste in pretty paper and pictures.)

And I can't remember the rest.  These are the most urgent, in my mind.  Dusting also probably happens maybe once a year.  I know.  Gross.

Meanwhile, I'm fine -- totally fine.  Not antsy, not miserable, not wishing the time away.  It feels so wonderful!

The midwife and her apprentice are coming tomorrow for an appointment, as well as my friend who is working on her DONA (doula certification) who will be attending the birth.  She'll be bringing her children Ava and Felix, so the boys are going to have a blast.

On a side note, Diego dreamt the other night that he wanted to marry Ava but couldn't tell her because he was too embarrassed.  He has plans to inform her of this tomorrow!  Cute. ♥

Get your Christmas bootie moving

Christmas in Killarney -- one of my faves.

I can't dance this year, but if I could, this would get my bootie moving.  Or jigging, as it were.  Isn't it fun?!  It's one of Diego's favorites too.

I ran into this YouTube video last year (I can't remember how) and I remember being very confused because these guys actually look like the voices they are doing.  It isn't them, though -- the song is actually by a real group called The Irish Rovers.  They have a Christmas album called An Irish Christmas that is a lot of fun. 

My other favorite Christmas song this year is It Came Upon a Midnight Clear by the Chuck Wagon Gang, but I couldn't find any vids of it to post.  Such a bummer.  I love the combination of their voices.

And now, da-da-da-DA!

One from old Squeeze:



Squeeze honestly loved this song as a kid.  I am NOT kidding.  He re-discovered it this year thanks to the radio station that plays at work.  "Perfect 80's pop fluff," he says.  Gag me.

Nearing the end

On my way to the midwife yesterday (after seeing the back-up doctor the day before), just sitting and pondering, I hit upon a sweet emotional state.

Peace.

And it lingers yet this morning . . .

I feel a complete sense of calm and satisfaction about being in the last stages of pregnancy.  Not anxiously wishing to have my body back (get this thing outta me!) or the physical discomfort that goes with it, but the special glow of understanding that these last few weeks are precious too.

For me, as a pregnant woman.  There is a full-sized newborn in there, with eyelashes, fingernails, and sweet toothless gums.  I already know its sleep-wake cycles.  It responds to outside stimulus.  I love feeling its little, pointy heels and firm little butt at the top of my belly.  I love wondering about it.

For me and my boys, in the last days of Two vs. Three.  What will the changes bring?  How will they respond?  Will I feel stretched?  Snuggling down into a nap, a very special time for us, is going to be very different.  I only have two arms, two sides.  Will I spend more or less time with them?  I remember the sweet hours of reading to Diego while Truen slept or nursed.  Will it be a similar experience?

Sunday is 38 weeks.

The cutest little snowman ever

Fire the Snowman
♥ Built by Diego ♥

That's so existential

I was having a lot of contractions today during Diego's Quiet Time.  It was probably the way I was sitting (somewhat slouched) while I was reading.  It was certainly uncomfortable, though not altogether painful.

Thinking about it later while I was cutting an orange for a snack for the boys, I looked at my reflection in the window, pondering childbirth, and honestly thought to myself, "I can't believe I'm pregnant."  And I couldn't.  Believe it.

How is that for surreal?  Almost 37 weeks pregnant, right at the end, sitting-in-a-puddle-pregnant, and I'm surprised by the reality that I am, in fact, pregnant.

Weird.

etc.

Things that have run through my mind to post recently . . . nothing much.

• I have finally come to the conclusion that I HATE DOING CRAFTS with young children. It's just a lot of stress, work, and hovering. Though I do like how it comes out in the end and that it pleases them.  Ugh, and I thought I appreciated the artistic process.
• I really, truly adore cabbage fried in bacon fat.
• I'm starting to feel a compulsion to nest. I'm not usually like this, but general disorder and clutter is really getting on my nerves.
• I went out and about 3 times last week and swore I wouldn't leave the house for the rest of December. I was whooped!
• I somehow miscalculated my weeks, and, after looking at the calendar last weekend, realized that I was 36 weeks pregnant, not 37 like I had thought. What's the diff in the end anyway, right?  But it was a major blow to my psyche.
• I am so proud of what good boys I have. They are thoughtful, take good care of each other, and generally listen very well. I see signs of their obedience all over the house; like when I ask them to put something away and, later in the day, I see it set nicely in its place.  I love them! ♥

Without a doubt,

I've got the pregnancy waddle by the evening hours.  Terrific. 

The Story of Holly and Ivy

The boys and I have been transfixed by this delightful Christmas book for two days now.  The storyline is charming; the descriptions, pleasing; the illustrations, sheer pleasure to look at.  We were absolutely glued to the pages as we read through it. 

Think orphans, trains, snow, small towns a-glow for Christmas, longing, a beautifully lit toy shop, loneliness, breakfast sausages, and an ending that warms the very cockles of your heart.  What a pleasure!

Highly recommended.

"Happy Fanksgiving,"

as Truen would say.

And truly, what a nice Thanksgiving it was; we have had a very restful weekend together.  Squeeze had 4 days off, which was prit'near a mini-vacation for us.  Or stay-cation, as it was.  It felt so good.  So very good.  I would definitely say the whole family reveled in it.

Big breakfasts.  Long naps.  Family time.  Leisure.  Time to talk.  Late-to-bed nights, early-to-bed nights.  Reading.  Tree trimming (the boys were chomping at the bit).  A lighted parade and visit with Santa.  Lovely.

Meanwhile, I am 36 weeks pregnant.  Ugh.

Generally uncomfortable.  Very tired in the evenings.  Groin spasms (oh joy) that stop me in my tracks.  Peeing all the time.  Pushing the wee babe's feet off my ribs when it is awake and stretching.  Lots of contractions, particularly in the evening hours.  Waking up 2-3 times a night to urinate.  Tired.

etc. etc. etc.

I am starting to feel so ready to be done.  Another month. 

Ughhhhhh.

Sublime

My outstanding breakfast this morning:

• 4 fried eggs, over-easy
• Heaping pile of fried cabbage (a winter favorite)
• Sauerkraut (yes, more cabbage)
• Diced potatoes fried in butter w/ salt and ketchup
• Red raspberry leaf tea

The sun was bright, the ground had a light dusting of snow, I was reading a particularly intriguing section of Full Moon Feast, and the boys were happily playing in the next room. 

Delightful.

Purrrrrrfect

If I haven't mentioned it before, Squeeze is a major sucker for cats.  He loves 'em.  His heart is tender for them.  He doesn't get irritated when they harrass him for food (ahem - I do, bigtime). 

He builds cat-houses for them so they won't be cold in the winter.

ookie-ookie-oooo

This particular cat-house is in a window-well right above the wood-burning stove in our basement.  He water-proofed, insulated it, and changes the bedding every year.  And our outside cat, "Keumers" or "Outside Bay" gladly takes up residence every winter.  It gets downright balmy in there despite the frigid temps.

Shoot, even our inside cats - Bay, Toots, and Kizzle - nap in there from time to time in the summer months (they're too weak to even go outside in the winter, wusses).  And our hens like to use it as a far-away nesting box (we have to check it every night for eggs).

So take a look at that picture a little closer.  Sure, you see Keumers, but do you see the hen?  It is Buff Orpington pullet, just starting to lay, who had snuggled up right behind the sleeping puss. 

One of Squeeze's co-workers told him of cats and hens snuggled down together in his coop, but we had a hard time picturing it at that point.  I mean, wouldn't a cat KILL a hen and eat it if it got the chance?  (Our cats only play at attacking them.) 

But sure enough, it happened to us.  In a cat-house.  Meow!

Snuggly pals

Good Buddies

Good friends came for a visit for a couple days this week.  The 5 year olds and 3 year olds were both born within 4-6 weeks of each other, so as you can imagine, it is a wild romp when they are together. 

They ran around outside, planned traps for Squeeze, made zip lines, wrestled, had tea parties, played with Legos, fought, and made each other laugh. 

They had a such a blast -- it was a great visit.  Diego cried and said, "but I will miss my friends!" when he realized they were leaving that afternoon.  Awwww.

Incidentally, this picture also shows my boys' new favorite snugglies.  (Jack and Claire had snugglies for the pictures too, but they must have been stuffed down in a crack.) 

We've never really had anything even resembling a favorite stuffed animal or blanket in this household.  A pacifier, my neck (Diego) and my armpits (Truen) are the closest comparisons. 

[My armpits, yes.  !!!  Since weaning last spring, Truen adores touching one armpit or the other, or both.  Why?  He likes the hair.  "It's soft," he says.  No joke.  Good thing I don't wear conventional deodorant.  I don't know what I'm going to do when the truly cold months come and my pits will be virtually inaccessible.  That, and nursing a baby all day long.  Oy.  Still, it is very sweet.]

But, back to the snugglies. 

Last spring I pulled a cheapy pink stuffed bunny-rabbit out of the dumpster to give to my friend's brand-new thrift store.  Needless to say, it never made it there -- Diego claimed it for his own, declared it a girl, and named it "Bunny-rabbit Smudge".  It stayed in the van for the longest time and he would play with it whenever we went anywhere, but has since made it into the house.  He loves it, though mostly just for play-time.

Truen, however, has become extremely attached to a little dragon he named "Honey".  Also a girl, she's a little beanie baby with iridescent red wings that I picked up at a thrift store at some point in time because it was so irresistibly cute.  He sleeps with her, totes her around the house, and likes to take her with him when we go places.  (He puts her in his little "pack-pack" with her head sticking out so she can see.)

Who knew? 

I'm enjoying their attachments, actually -- it's fun to pretend along with them.  Honey loves snacks of raisins and walnuts and I find her in the most thoughtful and comfortable spots.  And because they both have a favorite, Bunny-rabbit Smudge and Honey often play with each other, too. 

It is all very sweet.

Remembering to be thankful, thank goodness

I am thankful for . . .

• High-quality kitchen knives, which make everything easier
• Recently perfecting split pea soup, then having the presence of mind to write it down ASAP
• The dwarf lime tree that Squeeze bought this summer, which is blooming in our sunroom and emitting an ethereal scent
• Squeeze, for the fact that while he is logical, he is also very in tune with beauty and "the little things", from sunsets and billowing clouds to making our flower gardens beautiful in both the summer and winter months -- I love that about him
• For the memory of walking down the block from the bus after work on chill autumn nights in the pitch-black, seeing the globe Christmas lights that Squeeze hung from our balcony railing, which he always had lit for me (I keep on remembering that recently -- it must be the feel in the air)
• Little boys who spontaneously tell me they love me with great, big hugs
• Feeling like I finally mostly figured out this mothering thing -- probably in the fact that I have more of a sense of peace about it, knowing that it is a constant adaption vs. feeling rife with questions, wondering how to even do it
• The coming winter
• Daybooks
• Blogs
• Feeling like I've had enough to eat
• The new green beaded bracelet my parents got me for my birthday this fall (the boys call it my "snake bracelet" because the lines of beads are inter-woven)
• The color green, my favorite
• Realizing that I need, then enforcing upon myself, structure -- things are calmer and cleaner when I stick to a regular routine (while it doesn't come "natural", I have found it can be "normalized" -- what a discovery!)
• Figuring things out with a greater depth of maturity and understanding that comes with being 33 (and how much more at 44, 55, 66 . . . ?)
• Area friends who are excited about my belly/baby/pregnancy.  It is so fun to be reminded that being pregnant is a special time -- it is easy to forget in the last couple of months.
• The new babe, which, with how much movement and awake-time it spends bobbling around, I'm wondering if it might be a firecracker of continuous energy and enthusiasm.  ???

Wah, wah, wah, and then some

• 33 weeks pregnant
• I spent last week, in a nutshell, lying prostrate on the couch, totally done in from the previous weekend's labors.
• Which was . . . butchering 25-ish chickens from 10:00 AM to 5:30-ish PM.  We still have 7 left to go.
• Totally done in.  Destroyed.
• I felt (feel) like a complete wimp, but it is hard to argue with a body that won't cooperate.  The next step was the total zap of all optimism and anything vaugely resembling get-up-and-go.  And wondering if it will ever end.
• It was pure survival, that's it.
• I have to remember that my body is being used for something else right now (growing a baby!) and while everyone else was sore, too, their ligaments and muscles are not being stretched like mine.
• Still, hard to stomach.
• Symptoms: PAIN.  First muscles and skeletal frame, them hips and ribs, then settling in my neck, shoulders, and head.  Combine this with the nasty, violent cough that is "going around", which left me crying, feeling like my frontal lobe was being stabbed.  Ugh.
• I'm feeling better, though.  I have a chiropractic appointment for tomorrow, because something is definitely out of whack.
• Meanwhile, life goes on . . .
• Truen says, "She am" and "You am" and "I can't know".  He is so spontaneously affectionate, hugging me and giving me smooches while telling me he loves me, totally out of the blue.  His favorite game is "Mama Mouse & Baby Mouse" or "Mama Rabbit and Baby Rabbit" or "Mama Kitty and Baby Kitty".  So precious.
• Diego is developing into such a helpful boy.  He has gladly taken on tasks like turning on the crab light every morning and is starting to remember to do after-meal clean-up without being reminded (and has always happily said, "Oh yes!" when I do remind him).  He'll gleefully say, "Dooooooo it!" when I tell him the name of the next chapter of the book.  He still wants to marry me; and the new baby, too, whom he insists is a girl.
• Both boys want to name their new baby sister, "Pretty Girl".
• Given the last 4 generations of Borealises, the chances of that are not very likely.  This generation has their one Borealis girl already.  Or could we break the pattern?!
• Not very likely.
• I peed my pants the other day in the midst of a violent cough.  I was on my way to the bathroom, taking a slight detour to drop something off in another room.
• My last urine analysis at my pre-natal appointment indicated I'm not getting enough water.  Great.
• I had my first thought of, "I have to be pregnant for two more months?!!" the night before last.
• Wahhhhhhhhhh
• etc.

Makes me cry

Back in the saddle again

We're back online.

It feels nice, as you can imagine.  Both Squeeze and I missed that connection with the greater world, in different ways.  We are so lucky in the fact that our BIL's parents had a computer that they were looking to give away.  With everything else that has gone on in these past months, it was such a relief to us.  Yesterday the vacuum stopped working mid-swipe (it came unplugged) and my first thought was, "What?!  The vacuum too???"

It's been rough.

I am thankful for my time away to some extent, because I feel like it taught me a lot.  It felt good to not have that raging curiosity tickling my mind, wondering what is going on in all the blogs that I follow, or if so-and-so has emailed me back yet.  Or worse, that black hole that Facebook is to me.  It's just best not to go on.

I wouldn't say that I was controlled by the computer (Squeeze might), but I do think the accumulated time spent here-and-there added up throughout the day.  And that tickling -- it was irritating.

So now I need to set manageable and realistic expectations of myself.  My primary method of communication is through email, both personal and practical.  I like the interaction and life-sharing of blogging.  It is nice to have that slight connection with the past through Facebook, however intermittent.  I enjoy listening to iTunes at different points throughout the day.  I regularly request inter-library loans at home, often on the spur of the moment.

etc., etc., etc.

But I can't let this whole business tickle my mind like it has in the past.  It was nice to have that month to show me the alternative, which was NOTHING at all; but freeing nonetheless.  Conclusion: I'll be parring down my tickle-time.

You'll be hearing from me, though.