Monday, January 12, 2015

Out-processing

I am finally at the place in my life where I am drug-out, bone-tired by bed-time.  It seems like it used to be "just tired" when it was time for bed - I'm sure I was sleepy, but this?  I am weary.  I'm not sure if that is just where I am at in the mothering journey or if it goes with the territory of being in my late thirties.  I have no idea where anything sits along that line.  Is X a sign or aging of simply the wear-and-tear of mothering?

I have many inspirational ideas for wonderful posts, at least in my mind, where I am able to thoughtfully process through life.  But when I sit down - poof - everything goes up in a puff of smoke.  I don't have one thoughtful thought in me.  Or perhaps it is all submerged.

I've experienced various levels of identity crisis in this mothering journey, the confusion of trying to sort out who I am amongst the duty of life and serving others.  It sounds so dramatic, and perhaps less pressing to those of a different temperament, but it has been a weight on me at times.  I look back to my daybook entries or blog posts, even from early motherhood, and I see a girl who has not yet become - still paddling along as I always had, exploring little nooks and crannies, full of energy,  interest, and fun.

But now? I'm the hag that says, "I'm not going to argue with you, just do it" and "Don't give me that look" or "I'm going to give you a chance to do that again" and "Are you ready to be kind?" or "I'm ready for boys to get the table ready for din-ner" and "Time for before-lunch clean-up!"  And so on.

"Free-time", or even down-time, basically doesn't exist - I always have a long agenda of items that need my attention, from the physical reality surrounding me to paperwork and life records.  I'm not even sure what I would do if I had TRUE "free-time".  Even writing this post makes me feel a little jittery, expecting to be interrupted at any moment.

Am I complaining? I don't think I am even though it may feel like it. (I dislike the feeling of "wallowing" in negativity and I especially detest presenting myself in a negative manner.)  I know I am out-processing reality as I know it.

I feel like a changed person - like a train on my tracks, there is no turning back.  Every year brings new challenges and victories.  I am getting better at the balancing of life (housework, organization, meal planning, schoolwork, household management, etc.) - I know I am - I can see the results around me.  I look back at my past self and see just how much I had to learn.  I'm sure that will be the story until the very end, but it is just so amazing to me.

3 comments:

Eric said...

Oh Shawna. Thanks for your honesty. And for the record I always think you have insightful, coherent and well written thoughts. Keep fighting the good fight. :)
Emily

Melissa Russell said...

I think perhaps it's in your (our) nature to be constantly examining our internal selves. Not having much space or time to do that would be very wearing. I will say even when I was childless and had few demands on my time, figuring out who I am was stil a struggle.

Melissa Russell said...

I mean to say that I don't think you are complaining, I think the snuggle is real and fact you struggle amidst your busy life is beautiful and true.