Reflection

Nuzzling E-yi-ya

The inspiration to blog always hits during impossible times.  My mind is scattered and nothing comes when I actually sit down to do it.  This might have something to do with three fellas going bonkers down the hall: Diego, Truen, and Eliah.  Jamie is blissfully asleep and this is the remnants of my Quiet Time.

I've found that my mind has decreasing amounts of available space for . . . what?  I'm not sure.  I feel like my memory is not razor-sharp anymore.  I need to write things down to remember anything cohesive, even thoughts.  I was thinking about it in the shower this morning and wondered if it is the proverbial "loss of brain cells" or perhaps the increase in demands, but this morning in the shower what made the most sense to me was the disproportionate lack of reflective thought in my life.

Another possibility is the lack of focused attention, at least while I am sitting down and wanting to reflect.  I usually feel like a deer in the headlights, wondering about my time. But when it comes to the duty of life I am very focused, driven to keep our life in under wraps: food, order, cleanliness, peace.

Ah well.  Enough complaints.  This weekend we watched a few videos from years gone.  It was amazing to see all those little people that I love so much, even smaller and younger than they are now.  That time is so close, but yet still gone.  It made me remember to not let the angst get me down, because time is precious.  Don't waste my time on the negativity, embrace it all.  Savor the moments.  Hug those little bodies.  Laugh with them.  All the cliches, yes, but all so, so true. 

Because I really want to know

Does a houseful of girls involve as much wrestling, screaming, war-whoops, hollering, running, fighting and jumping as a houseful of boys?

Shifting

So, yes . . . I am tinkering with the look of my blog.  I've been contemplating doing it for awhile, but never had much in the way of time or inspiration.  The blip-bloop green top had been my template since I started my blog 6 years ago, but finally, this weekend, I decided that it was time.  Time for change.

Tinkering commenced after I started thinking about my blog title, Rain Garden.  I chose that name when I finally decided to start my own after enjoying others' blogs so much.  We were still in Minneapolis at the time and interested in actual rain gardens for the urban landscape.  I thought it was clever enough of a title and always envisioned "percolating" as my blog description.  Ha.  Ha.  Like . . . I'm thinking about all this various runoff in the form of information and ideas, absorbing and sorting through it, and there you have it: me.

But, meh.  I never did get too fancy.  And I don't intend this blog as a public forum or showcasing myself.  I cherish it as a way to sort through ideas and life, to connect with people who mean a lot to me, and enjoy the process of writing and re-writing.  Through time, I've realized that it is also a very important tool in helping me to remember my own history "as it was".  I often look back and find that my memory is kick-started with events and emotion I might have otherwise forgotten.  And I do keep a journal.

But back to the point.  My blog's name.  Though I do think it is pretty, I don't feel like it suites me much anymore.  I've shifted a bit.  I've been thinking about it and feel like I want to change it while staying within the "garden" theme.  It seems to run in the family: Rock Garden, my SIL, and Fire Garden, my dad.

The pictures I've chosen as part of my new "look" are significant to me for several reasons.

1. Diego took them.
2. This owl belonged to Blaine's great-grandma, Mammy.
3. I love the clouds and the sun and blue sky.
4. The boys in the background in the first one make me happy.
5. It gives a fuzzy representation of our rural surroundings.

This cute little guy sits atop our water meter.  I screwed it into the wooden post when we first moved here, always a little unsure what to do with it before that, but never wanting to part with it because of its charm and that it was Mammy's (and I think I might have a thing for owls).

Living rurally, it is our responsibility to check the water meter every month.  In the city we got our water bill in the mail, but not with "rural water".  We do everything, from remembering to check the meter to filling out the coupon and mailing in the bill.  It definitely took a little getting used to at first.

But I remember that first month, in the dead of summer, checking the water meter.  It was mid-afternoon.  I was pregnant and two year old Diego was napping.  Walking to the meter was almost surreal in the thought that I had essentially just walked to the end of our Minneapolis block, and I wasn't even halfway up our driveway.  Or another time near the beginning, when I was in the quonset (the curved building in the background of the first picture) and realized, "Our entire house and yard could fit inside this building."  Literally.

It is interesting how things change.

How about the name "Prairie Garden"?

I want to know

Why does salmon and squash taste so good together?  Has anyone else discovered this delightful combination?  It has got to be one of my favorites.

Today's lunch: leftover salmon cakes and the remnants of our very last butternut squash.  Delicious.

In other news: I've been virtually housebound for the last three weeks.  Influenza is to thank, of course.  "Spring" in Southwestern Minnesota feels like the dead of winter this year.  The snow has got to be mid-thigh and everything is still completely white. 

With this combo, I think I'm getting a little batty.

Why???

How is this possible?

• The baby is sleeping.
• The 3 year old has been looking at books or playing quietly by himself for an HOUR AND A HALF. He has checked in with me a couple of times to say, "I love you".
• I have been casually doing my own thing, with a child awake, for an HOUR AND A HALF.
• This is almost-complete freedom of mind and movement, with a child awake.
• This has never happened before.
• The sun is shining, the day is warm.
• It is a beautiful, sweet-smelling day.

And...the kicker:

• I feel guilty about it.

Patience as a goal, and a check-in on anger

Patience is a virtue - and one I feel that, at times, I have a tenuous grasp on. Motherhood pushes patience to the limits, of course, and that is exactly the reason why I'd like to cultivate it in my life. I suppose letting go of selfishness is part of the process, but what else? Counting to 10? Cooling off alone? Explaining yourself? These things have worked for me some of the time...

I find that there is a strange dichotomy within myself: at times, my self-control and endurance is deep, while other times...yikes...it is all I can do to control my irritation. And therefore, this very thing - growing patience within myself - is my next big personal goal, now that I am gaining ground on anger and better at understanding (and dealing with) it in my life.

Angrrrrr ---
I feel like I have done very well working towards identifying and understanding negative feelings, gut instincts, and anger flashes since reading The Dance of Anger and pondering it within my own life.

This has been huge. As a spouse, I can be a terribly frustrating person to argue with at times; because I can be very confused and confusing, with looping arguments and seemingly incongruent ideas and opinions. With a this-or-that and cut-and-dried sparring partner, spouse or otherwise, it can be a nightmare. I am learning how to say, "Hold on a minute...let me figure that out" during disagreements and better yet, to be able to mentally/emotionally grasp what I'm feeling before I open my mouth.

But best of all, instead of feeling grouchy about an upsetting feeling, say an unhappy gut reaction to something, I am learning to say to myself, "Why?" and then give myself an answer. I feel so much freedom with that: instead of paddling in a pond of confusion, I am learning to get out of the water and walk on dry land. And that, my friends, is quite refreshing.

I can't tell

I am thirty years old, turning thirty-one this fall. As I get a bit older, it seems like my faults and short-comings are amplified. I can't tell if this is because 1) I'm actually getting worse, or 2) I am mature enough to recognize my issues much more quickly. That aside, I still feel like I am floundering in my own short-falls. Creating change is hard; but I suppose recognizing the problem is the first step.

Has anyone else noticed this?

Enough to make you go insane

How is it that a demon-spawn of a toddler can take a nap [starting at 4:30 pm, btw - just after our brains have turned to mush] and wake up a fresh-faced and cooperative cherubic little boy just two hours later? For clarification, this happened yesterday. We all cried, many times.

He didn't get jealous

But he was all over me for milky every time she had her bottle.

Oh, honey

Think of me, if you will. Tomorrow I will be caring for a 7 month old, my sweet toddler, and trying to be quiet for a husband who just started working from 10:30 PM - 7:00 AM. Goodness. I am interested in whether or not the little one will spur jealousy in Starbeans. Heaven knows he gets jealous the instant Squeeze and I hug; he stops in his tracks, squeals an indignant shriek and comes running to break up all the fun. Then we pick him up, Squeeze says, "Group Hug!" and we all snuggle faces and smooch, with his chubby little arms around our necks.

The question is: What will he think when I'm holding a real-life baby?

Off subject, today he said both "onion" and "egg". That's my boy! I would say his vocabulary is stretching into the realm of 50-60 different words. He hasn't pieced anything together other than "Nigh-nigh Dada" and actually, tonight, "I love you" - but it was more like "Eye-you". (We knew what he meant.)

He also says, "Bel-buh" for belly-button and will poke his finger in there saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" whenever the subject is brought up. He saw my belly-button today and pointed at me saying, "Bel-buh! Bel-buh! Bel-buh!" Even though I usually understand him, sometimes it takes me awhile to orient myself to what he is saying. "Yes, Starbeans - that's my belly-button," I said, "Oh, ouch...don't poke your bel-buh...that hurts! Ouch" (which inevitably came next).

He is also wild about pinching his nipples simultaneously and pointing at a scratch on his knee, saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" The things he gets into...

What's a girl to do?

Has anyone ever had a favorite pet that can't stop peeing in unfortunate places? Like - the living room floor, the kitchen floor, the laundry room floor. We are in a complete quandry (or, at least, I am) over what to do about my most favorite cat, Lester. He is really causing problems (and has been for a long time): and a raw food diet and vitamins C & E aren't helping. We've had him for almost 7 years and I break down and cry at the thought of parting with him.

Squeeze says that thousands upon thousands of people have had to deal with this before us, and that the answer is simple: get rid of the cat. I know he is unhappy about it too, but his thinking is much more pragmatic than mine. In addition, I am willing to suffer [ahem - for another 10 or so years] for my affection while Squeeze is done. Finished. Ready to move on.

Has anyone else gone through this before? Or been close to someone who has gone through this? I need someone to wallow with.