Read about ANGER - for me it has been most enlightening

I read most of The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (by Harriet Lerner) a number of months ago and have recently checked it out again to finish it and mull things over. I will probably have to buy the book, as I want to re-read it again and again. It is filled with powerful, life-changing, and revealing information that I would recommend for anyone who struggles with anger on any level - whether it be fearing it, reveling in it, understanding it, or controlling it. Read this book. Read it!

Lerner talks anger as a signal of something gone awry: anger as warning sign that we must pay attention to, and not dismiss or squelch or feel bowled over by. Anger exists for a purpose in the human range of emotions; it is important to understand why it exists and how to deal with it. She speaks specifically to women, as our gender and cultural roles are different from men. [The more life experience I gain, the more I understand this concept. I used to think there wasn't much of a difference, and worse - that being a boy was better. As an adult, I am so very glad I am a woman.] I really appreciated her tailoring this book specifically to women: I related strongly with much of what she wrote.

Reading this book has helped me understand myself better. Throughout the text, I had many moments of clarity - realizing how and why I act or react in certain ways (or why other people do the things they do). Or why we often participate in a circular dance, the same old crap over and over and over again. She lays out a practical foundation for WHY we do this and how to opt out: though we may face resistance if we attempt to change. She encourages women to stop and reflect on their anger - give ourselves pause to fully understand what we are feeling - before taking action. Or, if giving ourselves pause isn't the problem, ensuring that we take action. She also teaches that the only person we can control is ourselves: we can change our own behavior, be it over or under-reactive.

The "dance" of anger refers to the roles we play in our various relationships - underfunctioning or overfunctioning - and that the people we are most connected with often expect us to respond in certain ways, whether healthily or not, and when change is initiated, they often try to revert back into the old, comfortable way of dealing with things with what Lerner calls the "Change back!" response. I have noticed this in my own life - when I have been able to calmly step out of the old cycles in various relationships (as I am the only person I can truly control), the "Change back!" resistance is easy to notice.

One of the biggest problems on every level of relationships in my life is that when conflict arises or anger rears its ugly head, unless I am completely prepared for that moment, I am often left speechless. I know I'm upset or angry, but I couldn't tell you why. I need time to think about things; time to connect things in my mind; time to organize what I will say. Lerner talks about this very thing. I'm not alone (or strange) in my self-perceived ineptitude. In fact, I am not inept at all. This book is extremely eye-opening to the all the different ways we deal with anger. There are many varying shades of "being", yet we all share similar actions and reactions.

All in all, wherever you land on the spectrum:
I highly recommend reading this book.