Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
- The baby is sleeping.
- The 3 year old has been looking at books or playing quietly by himself for an HOUR AND A HALF. He has checked in with me a couple of times to say, "I love you".
- I have been casually doing my own thing, with a child awake, for an HOUR AND A HALF.
- This is almost-complete freedom of mind and movement, with a child awake.
- This has never happened before.
- The sun is shining, the day is warm.
- It is a beautiful, sweet-smelling day.
- I feel guilty about it.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Today, while Captain Hook (as played by Diego) was sitting on the edge of the Jolly Roger and contemplating a fall off the side of the ship, he muttered to himself --
"Hmmmm.... If I did fall off, the crocodile would eat my toes and then I would have toe hooks. Hmmmmm...."
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I have stumbled upon all these things within the last couple of days and it makes me feel like I'm 11 again. I guess I miss...the suburbs of Western WA...?
No...but memories flutter in my mind and fill me with, as my husband has described so well, "sweet melancholy".
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I am amazed, and pleased.
It also makes me so mad that I didn't discover the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) earlier. When we were married, the intense desire to NOT get pregnant trumped any interest in learning about other methods of birth control. I didn't care - and I didn't know any better.
[For the record, my mom did warn me about oral contraceptives, but I didn't listen...and what a bummer that was.]
So instead of letting my body "be", I submitted myself to a steady stream of hormones which tricked my system into thinking it was pregnant month after month. It was only after having my first baby, taking the progesterone-only pill (POP) that I started wondering, "What is this stuff anyway?!" I had no idea what I was putting in my body.
And, worse, after ovulating this past weekend, I was saddened to realize that I have only ovulated perhaps 4 times in the past decade. I can hardly believe that, looking back. It's disgusting. I missed out on so much! [and I'm not talking sex here...get your minds out of the gutter...I'm talking knowledge and understanding and appreciation.]
It is especially blindingly pitiful with the knowledge I have gained in just one cycle. Things could have been so much different. I take comfort in the fact that things can be different going forward; knowing what is happening with my body and being in control of my own fertility feels very good. No more "what if...?" or "I don't know...!" I'm in charge. I know what is going on. I am not a victim to circumstance. I can appreciate the design and amazing machine that my body is.
That being said, thanks to charting and practicing awareness, I am realizing that my body is like an old car, a cold engine turning over, trying to get warmed up and ready to roll. She's trying to get back into the swing of it, ladies! Things have been very strange, like the first flow that was more like spotting, a 23 day cycle, and then bleeding again 2 days after ovulation, etc., but I am aware. It is so nice to have the shades off my mind's eye.
Many women use FAM, but for those who don't, it involves 1) taking your waking temperature every morning, 2) observing cervical fluid, and 3) observing cervical position. With these three keys, you can unlock the mystery of natural birth control (or, as it were, pregnancy achievement).
I definitely recommend reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility - I have been referencing it every day for a month. It is fabulous. What a resource!
[Incidentally, I ordered this book for our local library and it hasn't been on the shelf since it arrived. Yesssss. High demand.]
And finally - looking back, I dearly wish I would have known all this information as a teenager. Everything would have made so much more sense! I wish I would have known about The Keeper then, too. But, like my Mom says, "What's done is done." All I can do is move forward and be thankful I discovered FAM at age 31 and not 41, with another decade of confusion under my belt.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
It is beautiful.
There were several weddings near-and-dear to my heart the summer of 2002, this being the first:
Of this group of beautiful youngsters, we have just one wedding left - this July. (The second-to-the-last was just this last October.) Don't we all look so fresh?!
From the 7/6/02 daybook entry:
"Katy looked beautiful and Luke looked very handsome and they both looked like they were extremely happy. It was such a beautiful and wonderful, fun and exciting wedding."
Also recounted was the ape man/siezure dance that Squeeze did in the middle of the dance circle (people were stopping to gape); petting sharks in the estuary pool; three sting rays and two green eels; Sam's conversion van blowing up in Blue Earth on the way to the wedding and as a result, missing the entire thing; dancing the two-step with Runyan to "you and I go dancing in the dark"; a faux-dramatic interlude with RC during the song "Lady in Red"; a waltz with DT; Squeeze and RC napping in the air conditioning of our duplex that afternoon; and finishing off the weekend celebration by going to the lake with RC and Squeeze (I was the only one who swam).
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Spring is verrrrrrrry slow in MN, but what a relief it is.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
I haven't felt lovesick in years. Years. But here I am, right back in the thick of it: feeling the feelings of longing and intrigue that I remember so well from days-gone-by. A sense of connectedness; my time away from Squeeze spent with a twinge in my heart, wishing we were together. I remember this so well from our dating years and early marriage; feeling like I couldn't get enough of him; feeling like he was the best of everything; waking up and watching him sleep and feeling awe of his presence in my life; drinking him in.
I think this connection was put on the shelf after the birth of our first child, and probably months before that, with the slowing of my pregnant body and mind. My connection was now with my baby and as a mother, that intensity was in him and through him. He (my baby) was the person I longed to be with. Squeeze was on the outside of that connection: I remember reading aloud a passage of a parenting book, which stated that fathers often feel like outsiders to the passionate inner-circle, or connectedness, of mother and baby. It resonated strongly with Squeeze at the time. I remember feeling pity for him, but with no desire to remove myself from it.
That baby-entwined intensity has faded through time, and very naturally I think. I am well aware that I did not have this obsessed relationship with my secondborn. Not that I love him any less, but...that...it is different; and my feelings towards my firstborn are different even from that first lovestruck year of babyhood. I was smitten, and consumed.
But now, and I write this with a drowsy smile on my face, I feel as if I have come back full circle, back to, dare I say it so publicly; my lover.