Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It's been rough

I've crafted many-a-post in my mind of late with no time to get at the computer, but now my mind is a pile of mush.

Mush, I tell you.

We are on the mend around here.  Ear infection, conjunctivitis, rumbling bowels, a slight cold, and the in-grown toenail have all been stamped out and/or healed.  Thankfully.  We have been home two weeks today and things are just starting to feel normal again.

But I still feel strange. 

I honestly feel like I am still recovering from the week-long unrelenting grind and nasty-screeching-whinefest that was Truen's ear and eye infections.  (Nothing was right, everything was wrong -- my jaw was clenched virtually all his waking hours.) 

My patience is thin.  I am antsy and irritated.  I am here, but not really present.  Annoyed with my children.  Cranky.  Feeling like I can't catch a break. 

I've honestly thought things like, "What on earth did I get myself into??" in regards to motherhood.  (Regretting motherhood?  Almost 6 years into it?!)  I wish I could send them into a time vortex where I don't have to deal with them for a few hours.  Or days.

Isn't that terrible?  But I suppose every mother feels that way at one time or another.  I know I've felt this way before. 

In spite of everything, in the midst of it . . . while they are asleep and looking like little angels, I look at them and feel teary about how they are growing and changing and wonder if I am good enough for them.  What a paradox.

And I do know, even while feeling angst verging on despair, that I am in the midst of transition.  And that transition is often the harbinger of stress. 

The smaller transition of coming back into "real life" after three weeks away.  There is always a rough period of re-entry, which seems particularly hard for the 3 year olds.  I remember Diego being pretty hard to deal with when he was three as well (and he wasn't even sick).

And more importantly, the larger transition of adding a baby into the mix -- which definitely shortens the already-sparse freedom of mind and movement.  I'm trying to remind myself to slow down and enjoy my children instead of feeling overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the work that needs to be done.  It is hard not to feel bogged down by the almost-constant mess, even for those who are not naturally tidy.

I'll get over it.  I cannot wait to get over it.  I want to be a happy mama, not an unsmiling, short-tempered glum hag-of-a-bag-of-a-mama.

Perhaps a little spring and sunshine will help.  We have had ONE sunny day since I've been home.  Otherwise it has been snow (!!!), gray clouds, and rain.  Dreary, dreary, dreary.

In other (happier) news:
We started planting our garden this past weekend.  Potatoes, celery, and peas.  It is going to be a cold week with the lows in the mid-30's, so next weekend it will be radishes and lettuce. 

Last year at this time we had already eaten our first radish, which tells you how different this spring is from last.  Much, much colder.


lil' mama said...

You have such a wonderful way of writing. I get EVERYTHING you're saying. Hope sun and warmer weather is on its way!

icecubes said...

Things WILL perk up and you are a wonderful mama! I agree change and transition is hard stuff, but this too shall pass. Summer is on its way!

Dani said...

How I love your way of writing! :) I find myself feeling the same way...very often! In fact, my hubby asked what I wanted for mothers day...and I thought to myself...REALLY? I want a day off. I want to be by myself with nothing to do besides what I want to do! How selfish is that??? Great way to celebrate being a mother, huh?!? But luckily that crazy feeling passed and I will be more than happy to be showered with cards made out of construction paper with scribbles and 3 year old writing, along with a great school-made card...all declaring their love for me! :)

Hope you get some sunshine soon!!! That always affects me so much! And just know that you are amazing...in every sense of the word! And everyone has an off-day every once in a while! Taking care of the sickies always wears me down!!!

Love ya!