Belly picture

Here I am, at 27 weeks. Sorry about the cropped shot; I did it less for reasons of privacy and more for reasons of vanity. My head wasn't quite as cute as my belly and it therefore got the hack.

My mom sent me this dress today, along with another outfit. I am so glad, because with the last pregnancy I suffered in a few different shirts (hand-me-downs from a certain decade past) and a pair of too-hot rolled-down exercise pants. They just weren't me, but I wore them because they fit - and I would have suffered like that again. I hate shopping, except for thrift stores - and the maternity section at thrift stores is always horrific. [Not to mention the fact that it is almost impossible to go on a mission and find what you want when you want it; they are more of a snag-it-when-you-see-it kinds of places.] In addition, I prefer to wear dresses in the summer; I have a few skirts that still fit, but nothing substantial to speak of. And now I have this cute little ditty (of which Starbeans said, "Bubbles on it"). This, I like. Thanks, Mom!

No one can be more pleased than me; then a spiral into mournful reflection

I'm back!!!

It feels so good to be back online. I'll be posting much more regularly; probably every day, knowing all the thoughts streaming through my mind, with the earnest desire I have to stay connected with my cronies.

Here is a picture of our view from the north, taken last night. The field is corn; nothing but corn. The trees are part of what is called a "grove" out here. Before the land was conquered by Manifest Destiny, trees only existed along streams and rivers [maybe lakes as well?]. The grasses were so thick that little seedlings couldn't take hold, for reasons both of growing space as well as water. Now, most of the land is tilled and the ecosystem entirely changed [destroyed]. I've really been feeling quite mournful about it lately; it seems like nothing is left untouched by the Forces of Progress. I may seem quite naive in this arena, but I am only 29; I can imagine I'll be discovering life until I am dead. It isn't just the [out of control] expanding push of housing developments and strip malls that decimate the land. It is everything. It is people; and it saddens me. I am a part of it, because I am human.

A sea of corn

Nonetheless, the view is lovely. There are a couple of other farms in the distance, as well as a smattering of wind mills. The locals call them Wind Towers. Electricity producing, wind-propelled wind turbines. We live in an area called Buffalo Ridge, which is said to be one of the windiest spots in the midwest, maybe even the country (I need to do a bit more reading on that). There are literally hundreds, maybe thousands of wind mills throughout this area; they turn as the wind blows, which, I've noticed, can come from any direction on any given day. Maybe this is true everywhere?

Anyhow, it is electricity powered by nature. Quite exciting, although I must admit that they mar the beauty of the landscape. I'll have to take pictures of them closer up, so you can see what I'm talking about. This picture is exceptionally dark, as I took it last night, although my digital camera, which has come from the Age of Dinosaurs, has been dropped one too many times -- which may also be contributing to the picture quality. We are planning to buy a new camera in August (I can't wait).

I'm off!!! I need to get to the bank and the grocery store before Starbeans' nap.

Countdown

We will finally be connected back online this Wednesday. I can hardly wait. My most used tools for communication - email and blogging - have been all but wiped out for a month now. It is miserable! I'm at the library, again, of course; two women have referred to Starbeans as a little girl, even when the children with them recognize him as a boy. It is interesting how socialization seems to play a role in identifying gender. Because he has long curly hair, all the adults think he is a girl; but it seems like this kids know better.

This week, Starbeans has said, "The end!" when we've finished books; and, "Tow truck, ere aow ooo?" [Tow truck, where are you?] when looking for his self-fashioned "tow truck" made from a piece of toy fencing and a fire truck. The surprises never end; although I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised. 'Tis the season, after all: he'll be two in a week or so.

We are going to see our midwife today. I haven't seen her since May, so I am eager to have a check-up and hear her opinions on things. Moving while pregnant has certainly sped things along (figuratively) -- I'm hardly aware of what week we are even at, let alone remembering that I'm pregnant. I like not obsessing over it, although I have been lying in bed within the last couple days wondering about what it will be like to have a newborn again. I must say that I am really looking forward to it, even though I fret a bit about what it will be like to share myself with another child. I know it is possible, but sheesh...how is it done?

Another thing this move has accomplished is absolutely zero talk of naming. We didn't get truly serious about it until the end last time, but we had at least conversed about it throughout the pregnancy. With this pregnancy, I would say that we have talked about it a total of 2 times in 6 months. That doesn't add up to much.

I'll have more reflections on living in a rural community after I get back online. I need to to reflect and revise. The library is not conducive to that kind of thing -- it is more rush, rush, rush. Starbeans is very entertained today, which is nice. He is fiddling with books and stuffed animals.

A woman just mentioned that the new HP is out -- I can't wait! I think I'll be able to borrow my SIL's copy in a couple of weeks. I hope it doesn't get spoiled for me before then. You can bet that my entire family each has their own copy and will have their nose in it for a number of hours or days, depending on the person.

And now I say adieu. Adieu!

Still internet-less

Just checking in (at the library) to say...HELLO.

We bought a kite at a local coffee shop this past week. It is so cute -- one of the old-fashioned kite-shaped kites. We moved to one of the windiest spots in the midwest, due to the topography -- so the kite can lift off the ground and go sky-high with just one person. It has a little poison dart frog on it -- so cute.

Bah! I feel rushed and can't get my thoughts together. We should be back online by the end of the week, hopefully. Pregnancy is going well; Starbeans is changing almost every week. He started calling me "Mommy" out of the blue last week. It had always been "Mama" until that point, and now it morphed to "Mommy" most of the time. I like it, though -- it is so adorable. He is also singing songs that go like this --

Mama...Mama
Dada...Dada
Bupa...Bupa
Gramma...Gramma
Doey...Doey
Mimi...Mimi
Bupa...Bupa
Dada...Dada

and so on and so forth. The first Mama (or Dada, or Bupa, or Mimi) is always high and the second is lower. Doey is my parents' dog, Joey.

Internet deprivation

I have been without access to the internet for over 2 weeks. Ack! It has been terrible.

The short synopsis:

• We didn't get to move into our new place until Tuesday, July 3rd. There were all kinds of hang-ups with title easements -- we stayed at my in-laws for a week and a half. It was relaxing, but also quite discombobulating. We both felt completely uprooted, like we were going to be going "home" to Minneapolis after a long weekend of visiting. Starbeans, of course, loved being at Bupa and Gramma's house.
• Since we moved in a week ago, I haven't been able to leave the house. We only have one car; that worked just fine where we were before, but is going to be a bit of a problem where we are now. If I don't want to go stark raving mad, that is.
• Our town's library is open 3 days a week for 8 hours and 1 day a week for 4 hours; that is so much better than my in-laws' library, which is open 3 times a week for -- get this -- two hours. What a farce! I'd go nuts.
• We don't have internet access yet. I've been too busy trying to manhandle our existence under control. Unfortunately so, because I've missed it a lot. I do know that it looks like our monthly bill for high-speed internet connection will probably be twice that of what it was. Figures.
• This is so unbelievable, but it took us 6 hours to clean the kitchen and bathroom the first day we were there. Not to mention the rest of the house, but these two rooms were the most urgent. As my MIL said, the kitchen was as dirty as any normal kitchen that needed a yearly scrub-down, but it wasn't cleaned [for us]. Not by a long shot. I thought that it was a normal social custom to clean for the new arrivals??? We were quite perplexed, especially since our place in Minneapolis was spotless, right down to all the walls and windows being washed. Seriously.

I've got to run -- Starbeans needs me. I'm at the library; this is the first chance I've had at going online since June 23rd. Wow. I'm sorry if I've left you all hanging -- I'm sure I've left a few getting a little nutty with curiosity.

Goodbye, Minneapolis -- I've loved you

Today is the day. We are almost totally packed up: this morning will be finishing it off and completing the remaining cleaning jobs. We slept on the floor last night. Yikes, it wasn't pleasant. I'm not kidding when I say that I'm pretty sure I've been awake since 3:30 or so.

I'll check in with you all sometime within the next week. The only internet access I will have will be at the Small Town library -- I don't know what they offer, so we'll see. Think of us!

Snags explored

Closing on our new farmstead will be postponed until sometime next week, now for two reasons:

1. Verification of Employment. Because Squeeze will not be offered the job officially until his drug test comes in clean, the earliest we will be able to verify income is Monday or Tuesday of next week. After our lender gets that information, they will notify our title company, who will overnight the closing package to us -- we will sign it in front of a notary, overnight it back to them, and they will record it.
2. Title Easements. Some kind of drain tile installed years ago implicated 166 acres in the area (nowhere near our future property) and a quit-claim deed must be signed by two outside parties in order for title to be clear. This shouldn't be a problem -- in fact, resolution of the easement should coincide nicely with our income verification. So even if we had our loan in 100% order, closing would have still been postponed.

We asked our sellers if we could move in on Saturday [as planned] and pay them one week's rent, as we hope to close by Wednesday, but they wouldn't hear of it. Not only are they older, but they are very emotional about having to sell their dream place, so I think they are going to stick it out to the bitter end -- even though they themselves have said, "All we have is a bed and a card table here." No matter. We will set up camp at Squeeze's parents' house until we are able to close. I look at it as potential for fun and relaxation instead of fixating on the fact that we won't be able to settle in for yet another 4-5 days (maybe more, depending). The other factor that relieves my stress is that the sellers are fine with us moving all of our possessions in on Saturday, as planned. If we had to put everything in storage and move twice, I would be living in an entirely different emotional landscape.

Un-un-un-un

Well, Squeeze got the job he was after. We couldn't be more pleased. The only hitch: we need a Verification of Employment letter faxed to our lender by this Friday morning [to close on the new place] and he won't be officially offered the job until next week (after the drug test he is taking right now comes back clean). Unbelievable. But...we are so happy about the job that all the bother of postponing closing and the variety of snags that come with it barely makes a dent in my brain. Wheeeeeee! We're home-free!! He starts July 2nd, so we have a week to settle into our new digs before going back to the new-old grind.

I think I should very dramatically change the name of my blog to Farm Wife.

Living amongst the boxes

Our house is starting to feel less like home, now that we have boxes piled around everywhere. All of our wall-hangings are down, the lamps are packed, and we are down to the bare essentials in the kitchen. It doesn't feel very comfy.

I will be 22 weeks on Wednesday. I'm getting rounder, more rotund, and I'm pretty sure the baby has sleep/wake patterns established. I am also feeling less comfortable and quite fatigued by the end of the day. This is probably because of the amount of work and stress we are under. It makes sense. I hope things go back to normal after our move; although it may take weeks and months to get settled. Not to mention culture shock. I expect there to be plenty of that.

I've been watching homebirths on YouTube over the last month. It thrills me. The women are always in the final stages of pushing, the most exciting part. I wish I could have watched myself give birth, although I probably wouldn't have paid much attention if I could have (at the time, at least). Have I ever told you that in the final stages of pushing with Starbeans, I felt like I was in a dark tunnel with stars whizzing by? No joke. I was so focused that I couldn't hear anyone around me, I couldn't see anything except the tunnel, and between pushes I would come back to reality in a kind of bizarre way. It was so interesting. I hope to give birth in the squatting position this time around; it looks like a very natural position to do so. Last time, I was in a bed and pulling on a sheet with my feet propped up on bars, which felt just right. It will be interesting to see what happens this time, especially with the freedom of being at home. I am really looking forward to it. I am so glad I'm a female!!

Photo essay of interest:

What the World Eats

I ran into this through another blog that I peek at now and then. It is so interesting! I've seen some of these pictures in a magazine at one point in time and I especially remember the Japanese family, for some reason. Looking through the pictures again, I am fascinated by how many families are pictured with bottles of Coke. Good grief! The American families (British as well) stuck out with how little vegetables they had; for shame. I suppose it is a good representation of the American Diet, though. Sheesh.

I just love that family from Ecuador, don't you??

Toast in June

We are having an extremely dry June here in Minneapolis. We are avoiding watering in the attempt to conserve on water; in fact, I've been watering our outdoor plants with Starbeans' bathwater. It's actually kind of fun, albeit a bit time consuming compared to just turning on a hose. [However, "just turning on a hose" at our house also involves work: when the large back addition was put on however-many-years-ago, there went the outside faucet. We have to hook the hose up to our laundry room faucet in the basement through an open window. Kind of a pain, obviously.] Today, I finally cracked because the rhododendrons, mock oranges, and lilacs were all wilting beyond belief. I felt so sorry for them that when I filled Starbeans' pool, I gave everything a bit of water. Poor things. Thankfully, they've all sprung back.

In other news, we are closing and moving a week from tomorrow! June 22nd. Talk about Club Intensity! I feel fairly laid back at this point, but it is unnerving to contemplate what the next week will look like. Trying to pack up an entire household and say our goodbyes in the space of a few days. I can imagine we will be completely drained when all is said and done. I tell myself it will be worth it; and it will, but, crap. What a lot of work.

Time to start watching my tongue!

I let one of our cats in yesterday after she was so annoyingly scratching at the door. [We have been letting them out now, in preparation for their lives as Country Cats.]

"Idiot," I said.

Behind me, I heard a sweet little voice say, "Id-dit."

Uh-oh.

Keeping cool

Squeeze bought Starbeans an inflatable pool while we were at my parents' house. It is the best - we [both] love it. After 4 hot hours in the car yesterday, we donned our bathing suits and splashed ourselves silly. Squeeze had to go straight to bed, as he is still working nights; his sleep schedule has been out of whack for several weeks now and there is no point in trying to get back to a day-sleeping schedule. He only has a week and a half left. YESSSSSSS. I am really happy about that. It will be nice to have him back. What a pain in the butt night-work is.

About the ponytail -- isn't it just darling? I suppose we'll eventually crack and have to cut his hair, but the curls are so sweet and I can't bear the thought. The ponytail made its appearance fairly quickly after sitting in a hot, wind-whipped car for a few minutes. He didn't seem to mind one bit and it caused us to melt into oozy puddles of affection.

Though you may not believe it,

I really am alive.

We spent 8 hours in the car in two days. It was terrible and it was hot. No air conditioning, temps hovering around 90 degrees. Misery. Squeeze had a job interview in Large Town, SD. It went well; however, there are 3 other people vying for the position, so it is pins and needles for us. Our new home loan is dependent on providing proof of income and we have until the 22nd to do so. Yikes! Talk about a time crunch. There are a couple of other prospects, but this, by far, is the most tangible of all his potential job connections. We really hope he gets it.

Starbeans has had a verbal explosion. He is repeating everything we say now, whether a verb, adverb, noun, or adjective. He's adding the appropriate consonants to the end of words now, like, "buS" instead of "buh"; "yo-go-T" instead of "yo-go"; "caR" instead of "cah". We are very impressed. My favorite is "yo-go-t" because he often says, "yo-go-t-t-t" just for a little extra umph. He is also having lively fake phone conversations, this morning's being just under a minute and punctuated with a lot of pseudo-giggles, yeahs, and a grand finale of "BYE-BYE!!" Oh man, he is just so cute.

Meanwhile, we are prepping for our move. We gathered boxes out of cardboard dumpsters on Saturday night, listed 6-8 different things on Craigslist under the FREE section (4 things remain), and continue to add to the thrift store pile. Pretty much everything is packed, except the entirety of the kitchen, our bedroom, and most of Starbeans' toys. And the garage, ack. We have less than 2 weeks. It is going to be an arduous task, to say the least; but it will be done before we know it. Godspeed!

Checking in

My goodness. It has been a long time since I've posted. I'm alive and well, but too busy to get near a computer. I can imagine it will probably be like this for the next month or so.

I'm actually at my parents' house in Western WA. I've been here for a week now; Starbeans is living it up with Bupa and Gramma, loving all the attention and interaction. They love it too, of course: it makes me happy.

I've been feeling the baby move a lot -- mostly the feeling of light tapping on either side of my belly. My uterus is enlarging rapidly, as I now can feel a big hard lump in my lower belly where I used to have to feel around for it a bit. I really love feeling it move, imagining who it is and what it must look like. Everything is so mysterious at this point.

All my pregnancy books got packed up in January (before we knew we would be pregnant soon), so I'm not as on it with this pregnancy. I'm too lazy to look online (besides, I like books better) and the pregnancy book I did have, I had to return to the library. With my first pregnancy, I could tell you everything that was going on with baby and body week by week, but this pregnancy -- not so much. Not that I have a lot going on or anything, right? Sheesh, man. I'm looking forward to life slowing down a bit. But...does it ever? I have a sneaking suspicion that it doesn't.

Finding "Bee-doles"

Baby Lucy

Starbeans' older cousin, Mari, gave him a realistic baby doll this last weekend, called "Lucy". Her head is hard and floppy and sometimes bashes him in the face, but he loves her anyway. It is so cute!

He has just started getting interested in dolls within the last month or so: starting with my use of the Doll-baby Jealousy Nursing Technique, but it has continued with a genuine interest in playing with them. He carries the dolls around, gives them water from his sippy cup, and points out Lucy's eyes, ears, mouth, and toes; even as I write this, he is giving Baby Lucy a ride in his "Bih-Tuh" [Big Truck].

Fashion [that doesn't make] Sense

I can't wait until the current fashion of HUGE t-shirts and ENORMOUS pants and shorts dissipates. The teenage boys in our area look so silly. They can barely walk, with their pants clinging to their upper thighs -- they waddle like ducks, constantly clutch at their belts, and continuously attempt to keep their pants from plain-old falling to the ground. It is downright absurd. Will they ever look back at themselves, like many have been known to do, and say, "I wore that??"

An interesting side note on that last question: It seems that the people who are the most whooped up about keeping with the fashions are the ones who say it with the most fervor. I wore that?? As you might imagine, I do not fall in that category...I just don't have the energy or interest to participate. Just let me be warm, comfortable, and moderately attractive.

Closing date: scheduled

We signed the purchase agreement on our home last night. Our closing date is scheduled for Friday, June 29th. Wow. This is really going to happen. Next weekend, we are traveling to our New Town and signing the purchase agreement on that place. The 15 acre farmstead. Wow. We're gonna be Rural in less than 2 months --------- Whoa.

Drying diapers

Where diapers hang to dry in the spring, summer, & fall

Where diapers hang to dry in the winter (in the basement)

Today is 16 weeks - I should be feeling the baby start to move soon. I first felt Starbeans move at 17 weeks, which is pretty early for a first pregnancy. None of my friends would believe me, but I knew what I was feeling; and slowly but surely, those fluttering feelings became firmer until they became full-fledge punches and kicks. I can't wait! Then maybe I'll start feeling truly pregnant, instead of just thick in the middle.

Curls

Starbeans' hair is curling up into little ringlets with more moisture in the air, giving me all the more reason to delay the inevitable First Haircut. It is so precious! I'll have to post pictures soon.

An a. borealis stream-of-consciousness list (straight from my brain to yours)

• I don't own a microwave.
• I don't own a dishwasher.
• I do own a television.
• I read a lot more before Starbeans was born.
• I'm getting sick of the pseudo-name, 'Starbeans'. That was a nickname for him for a few weeks when he was 6 months old. I really want to just call him by his real name, which means, supplanter, and is the Spanish version of James, but I don't know if I ever will because it seems like it would be so revealing. I certainly can't change his pseudo-name at this point. That would be too hard.
• I love trees and fungi.
• I have been known to cry over the sheer beauty of violins and cellos playing.
• Once, Squeeze bought a huge set of ear phones to go with his discman. I ripped on him and ripped on him over their size and seeming extravagance until, one night, he had me listen: playing was Sacred Treasures: Choral Masterworks from Russia. It made me cry like a newborn babe.
• I always wanted to live either in the city, or in the country. Never in the suburbs.
• I lived in the suburbs from birth to age 14, then lived in a semi-rural town until I graduated from high school.
• I spent college in the suburbs again.
• I have lived in the city as an adult, thus far.
• The town my family moved to when I was 14 was an old logging-turned-farming community - my mother's family has been there for 4 generations.
• That town is now one huge development.
• It makes me sad, but I know that the wheels of change have been in motion for not just 10, 15, or 20 years, but over 100 years. It struck me when I was in the new grocery store in town last fall: I saw a picture of 3 women, sitting abreast an enormous stump -- there was room for at least two more people on each side of them. The picture was taken in the very district my family lived in for 10 years and not a tree of that size exists, anywhere. They were all decimated. You see? Change began long ago.
• Where I live in Minneapolis was farmland 100 or so years ago.
• No one can stop "progress".
• One of our main requirements for going rural was to move to a community that would NOT become a suburb in a matter of 10-20 years. As a town of 700, not on any major freeway, and over an hour from any smallish-city, I hope our chosen place will not fall prey.
• More than likely, we will be living rurally by this July.
• Sometimes I get scared about being stranded: my MIL & FIL and Squeeze's grandma live in the town 1/2 hour north, but we don't know anyone else. I am used to being very social, seeing people as I please and going to any store as I please (not to mention any library I please). I know this is going to change and it frightens me a little.
• But it isn't going to stop me.

THE END.

A newly discovered book, which I plan to buy

Published by Garden Way Publishing in 1983:

Food Drying: How to Dehydrate, Store and Use Vegetables, Fruits and Herbs

5/3 update: I bought it over ebay on a Buy it Now for 1 dollar, 5 dollars total. The poor sucker doesn't know what he'll be missing (but I do). Yippee!

Nursing multiples

Starbeans started doing the cutest thing within the last couple of weeks. He brings his dolls into me to nurse them, saying, "Mee! Mee! Mee!" [this of course, means "Milk! Milk! Milk!"]. It all started one night when he wouldn't settle down and I used the Doll-baby Jealousy Nursing Technique, bringing his dolls to my breast to make him calm down and want to nurse (and therefore get sleepy and go to bed). It worked.

Now, almost every day, he brings them to me for "Mee!" He has even started nursing them himself, lifting up his teeny shirt and holding them to his little baby nipple. It is unbearably adorable. He pats their backs while he holds them there. It brings a tear to my mothery eye.

Ring-a-ting-ting II

I heard the local Ice Cream Man going by again this weekend, playing,

O Christmas Tree,
O Christmas Tree,
How lovely are your branches!

Yanked out of self-pity

Finally, after two months, our schedule is starting to get to me. Because Squeeze is working nights and sleeping during the day, he must keep this schedule even on weekends to keep himself in the groove. Effectively, for me, it is as if he works 7 days a week; I have been alone with Starbeans until 4:00 pm every day since the beginning of March. The good side of this is we (Squeeze and I) actually get time together alone; whereas when we were both working part-time, weeks could go by without us ever being able to connect as a couple. That was really tough. We also feel much more balanced, which feels so good. While we are both happier with our current schedule, it is still far from ideal.

Knowing that everything is temporary helps, but Starbeans' teething and the seemingly constant fits and crying this week sent me into a downward spiral of despair. One that only my girl Barbara Kingsolver could yank me out of. During his nap today, I sat out in our sun-filled porch with carrots, cheese, and hummus by my side and soaked in the first three essays of Small Wonder. Finally, something to bring me out of my myopic focus on my own frustrations. Not necessarily trivial frustrations, but ones that I was allowing to effect me in a greater scale than should be. Barbara Kingsolver has a way of writing that incorporates the world at large. I particularly enjoy the way she looks at this through the lenses of biology and history. She reminds me that not only are the problems of the world much greater than mine, but so is the beauty, ingenuity, and stark grandeur of life on this planet, throughout all of its systems. I really appreciate her voice, much like the writings of Wendell Berry. She speaks so clearly.

With my remaining free-time, I looked for her online and found that she has a new book coming out May 2007, called Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life. In it, Kingsolver chronicles a year that her family ate only what they grew or raised themselves, or what they could buy locally. I can hardly wait! With her usual insight into life, I'm sure that she will knock me flat. It's gonna be awesome.

Etc. etc. etc.

My brother's girlfriend, Ashley, was here on Wednesday for a few hours; we walked down to the creek and then stopped by an ice cream shoppe called the Pumphouse Creamery, where we chowed on arguably the best ice cream I've ever had in my entire life. This is coming from a girl who prefers savory over sweet just about any day of the week: it was that good. I've been deviously strategizing ways of getting back there with Squeeze in tow. He loves ice cream.

Picking his nose with a pretty girl

Meeting Ashley was really cool. She's from British Columbia, Canada and was road-tripping it from BC to NY with one of her roommates from college. The youth! The freedom! She is very sweet: genuine and easy to talk to. This girl keeps it real. I like that. A lot.

Starbeans has been growing and changing with leaps and bounds:

• His new thing is "jumping" from his kiddie chair into my (or Squeeze's) arms. He climbs up on it and says, "Duhm! Duhm! Duhm!" [which of course, means, "Jump! Jump! Jump!"], makes big, theatrical movements as if he is going to catapult himself off the chair like a wildman, then walks right into our waiting arms. The kid can't jump yet. He knows what it is, but those chubby little feet never leave the ground.


• He is adding descriptors into his jargon, like "Bih Tuh!" [Big Truck] and "Bih Tratow!" [Big Tractor]. Well, I guess that is only one descriptor: BIG. I thought there were others, but they have left me (if ever they existed).


• His memory is amazing: We're working on not throwing food from his highchair. I've explained to him a million times: when he's done eating, say, "Mama, all done" and I will clear his tray and get him down. Up until this morning, he just didn't get it. The food would be thrown, reprimands would be made, the clean-up would start. But this morning, he pointed to the floor and said, "No, no"; I gave my mini-lecture again, and he responded with, "Ah-doh" (with the sign) instead of throwing food. He got it!! It is so encouraging, knowing that he eventually gets it. We went through the same thing with screaming when he was done eating. He finally started saying, "Ah-doh"...that is, until the food throwing began.


• His memory is amazing, Part II: He still remembers where the cat pooped on the floor by the door. He often brings up when he fell off the loveseat and hit his head on the floor the other day, by saying "Ow! Ow! Ow!", pointing to the loveseat and his head. When asked if he wants to go on a walk, he'll go and get up into his stroller on the porch. Every time we drive by a certain bright yellow restaurant on our way home from the library, he points to it and says, "Ye-yo!" He remembers the "Yowd!" trucks on our alley from 3 weeks ago. Every time we're in the backyard, he points to the door in the fence and says, "Bupa!" because that is where Grandpa parks when he comes over (in the alley driveway). He knows the cats' names. Etc. etc. etc.

Negotiations: Complete

I can't believe it, but we actually negotiated to a price that we are both satisfied with. We should be signing a Purchase Agreement this week. It is amazing how things can work out. The next hurdle will be for Squeeze to find a job near our new place, which could potentially be difficult. He doesn't necessarily have a specific trade or profession, so we're basically looking for anything that will pay the bills and secure financing on our pursuit of going rural. We will most likely be closing at the end of June, so we have two months! Yikes.

All in all, we are very pleased with ourselves. Considering market conditions and the fact that we never even had to list our home, things have gone very well for us. Months and months of intense labor are paying off and now we can enjoy our last two months at the peak of our garden's glory. We couldn't be happier! Here's to hoping the job search goes surprisingly smooth...

Aside from that, my youngest brother's girlfriend will be stopping by tomorrow; she's on her way with one of her roommates to NY. I haven't met her yet, so I'm excited for the opportunity. It should be interesting.

Starbeans has been singing a lot lately. His new hit single is called, "You You You". Those are the only lyrics. I wish you all could hear it; he is so dang cute. And while I'm on the subject of cute...he fell asleep today while watching Gumby. I usually let him watch Gumby for 10-15 minutes after his bath in the morning [email time for me!], but today, he took a bath in the afternoon. It is much to my chagrin to admit this, but...whenever the kid poops, I plop him in the tub. I'm not cleaning up that crap! I probably have the luxury to do this with one child...I shudder to imagine actually having to clean a turdy butt without the bath as a tool. Yuck. Anyway - he took a bath right before nap-time, and not to break bath-time tradition, I let him watch Gumby afterwards. The poor baby fell right asleep. I should have known!

One of the Remaining Two took the opportunity for some snuggle-time with a motionless and non-harrassing toddler

Untitled

I am reveling in a well-deserved break from my munchkin today [his nap]. He missed his nap two days in a row this week - Thursday and Friday - and while he did nap yesterday, I spent the entire three hours in a cleaning frenzy, preparing for our potential buyers' 2nd visit. Living in a house and showing a house are entirely two different realities...man. But the hard work will pay off in the end, especially if we are able to negotiate to a price that pleases us both. We shall see.

Bloodroot

Yellow & Purple Crocus

If there is any time of the year that I feel reluctant to move, it is spring. Our garden is on the verge of radiance; it is so nice to spend time outside. I know that 15 dreamy acres located in farmland will make our postage stamp of a yard seem like a cage, but I still feel sad about leaving all of our hard work. Four years of landscaping, to be enjoyed by someone else; much of it purchased when we actually had the money to buy nice things. We also planted several trees, three birch and a sugar maple - I feel sad about never being able to see them mature. There are so many bushes and plants in our yard that I will miss. Thankfully, we will be taking divisions of many of the perennials; but our most favorite dwarf Colorado Blue Spruce is going to have to stay. Sad.

Ring-a-ting-ting, complaining, midwifery & FSBO updates

I heard the first Ice Cream Man of the season yesterday. Where I grew up (Western WA), we called him the Popsicle Man. I once blew 20 dollars that I had found at my elementary school playground during after-school hours, ALL ON POPSICLES. I think I bought them for all my siblings and any kids around at the time, too. I always loved the Astro Pops the best.

Anyway, our Ice Cream Man yesterday afternoon played an array of Christmas music, of all things. While he was going by, I heard Jingle Bells and Silent Night. It seems so bizarre and ironic to me as a Northerner. Perhaps a Southerner wouldn't think twice? There is such a firm connection between summer and popsicles/ice cream that is seems so strange to be playing wintry Christmas songs while cajoling through the neighborhood. It gave me a chuckle while I was slaving to wash and rinse blinds that have been in storage since we moved in. It was shocking how dirty they were. It took some serious scrubbing to get the grim off and all the while, I was thinking, "Four years later, and we're still cleaning up their messes!" Seriously. They better be glad they sold in a Seller's Market. Spring cleaning was a foreign concept to these people; they kept their house surfacy-clean, so we spent the first few weeks/months opening up hiding places and shrieking, "Ahhhhhhkkkgh!" You would think blinds would qualify in the Surface Dept.

My meeting with the midwife went well; it was more of a "get to know you" session. We spent a lot of time just chatting, intermixed with light talk about birthing philosophy. They just sold their home FSBO, so that was an interesting connection. Starbeans spent his time going back and forth between the "prenatal room" and the living room, bringing toy cars galore and lining them up on the couch. I liked her. She seemed very big on nutrition and food intake during pregnancy, which is really nice. She is still nursing her 3 year old, so I know that she'll be very supportive in that dept. It seemed like the process of seeing her up unto the birth is not only to monitor general well-being and the pregnancy as it progresses, but also to get a good feel for each other prior to the Big Event. I like that, too. In the case of our move, she is willing to meet half-way for check-ups (amazing) and fine with traveling the 2-3 hours from her home to ours for the birth. She said that there aren't many midwives in the Western MN area. After my search, I would agree with her. I couldn't find much of anyone. Sad.

As far as selling our home goes, we may be going FSBO after all. I can hardly believe it. A simple conversation while meeting a new neighbor morphed into an opportunity to sell our home. The interested couple are friends of our neighbor; they want to move into South Minneapolis and like the idea of living close to their friend and, I believe, the Creek. They came and looked at our house last Friday and are already in the process of scheduling an inspection, an appraisal, another look-through, and plan to put their offer in this Sunday evening. It will be interesting to see what happens. We haven't signed with a realtor yet, so we are home-free to go FSBO. As you can imagine, we are very pleased. We knew our house was cute, but it is so nice to have that affirmed by an outside party. Hooray!

Formerly Four

I haven't posted on this yet, but we relieved ourselves of another cat this weekend. We are down to two, which is much more manageable number, even for cat-lovers. Our stress level is noticeably lower; we knew it would be like that, but it is so hard to part with felines that have become firmly entrenched in one's heart.

Little Bud (formerly known as Seven before he came to us), has a new home with the brother of one of my former co-workers and neighbor, Christina. They are so kind to send us emails of how he is getting along [fabulously]. I am very thankful for that, it makes things a little easier. He is 100% Persian, bred for a longer face, so not show quality - but living a higher quality of life because of it. He is dumb as a rock, but so, so gorgeous.

Here's how inbred he is:

• His dad is his grandpa
• His mom is his sister

Yeah, try to wrap your mind around that one. But his breeders, like I said, were going for a longer nose. We got him from a friend who was moving and couldn't take him with (he still can't). He claims to have never seen that Seinfeld episode (the one where George goes ballistic after his acquaintances name their son Seven, the name he came up with). Whatever... The trial-period name before that was Pokey, so I'm glad that didn't stick.

I miss him. Every now and then I think of something he'd be doing or I think I heard his pathetic little meow, and I miss him more. We started calling him Little Bud because it was the only name stupid enough to fit his mental capabilities - like running after Q-tips that weren't even thrown, humping on stuffed animals, and attempts at ingesting yards (and I mean yards) of ribbon. He truly was a little buddy.

Midwifery: engaged

I'm meeting with a homebirthing midwife tomorrow morning...my first appointment! We spoke on the phone today for about 20 minutes, then scheduled an introductory meeting for tomorrow morning. During our conversation she said that she is willing to travel to our new home, if and when we are able to move by the time of the birth (which is the goal). I thought that was amazing, as it will be a full three hours away.

I am excited to hear her birth philosophy and start making plans for our birth process. I look forward with great interest to going through labor and childbirth again; especially being at home. I have a hunch that it is going to be a completely different experience. It is going to be so interesting!! The best part about it is that sweet little newborn that will be on the other end of it. What a precious thing to contemplate: the fact that it exists right now, who it will be and what it will look like are already formed. That really blows my mind. Squeeze is already calling it a "him", as males run so heavily on the Borealis side. In four generations, there have been 9 males and only 3 females born from Borealis men: those are pretty heavily weighted odds. [Interestingly, the 3 females are spread across 3 generations.] I'm still calling it an "it", though. I prefer the mystery.

While we were discussing our appointment tomorrow, the midwife clearly expected that both Squeeze and I would be coming to the appointment. I was a bit taken aback, mostly because he will be sawing logs at 10:00 am and taking "time off" from sleep is simply not an option - so I didn't even consider it. [Now that he works nights, he sleeps from about 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.] Thinking about it more, her assumption that he would be there is probably another indicator of her birth philosophy...that the male is going to be completely involved and therefore will want to be a part of everything. I like that.

Wednesday is 13 weeks.

Filled with sorrow

I've been crying all weekend and feeling very dismal. Squeeze's cousin, whose farm we took Lester to, emailed and said that they haven't seen him for a week or more. It was hard to part with him in the first place, but knowing that I will probably never see him again is enough to string my heart out on a line and keep my eyes brimming with tears.

My grand scheme was always to get him back when we go rural this summer; to be an outside cat in the country. He would have loved that. Now I don't even know if he's alive. He probably is, but I'll never know that for sure. Unless of course, he comes back... But the only familiar thing at the new place was his carrier and the blanket inside of it. Not people. Not anything but that. Is that enough to bring a stray cat home? I can only hope. It has really been eating at me since I read, and re-read, and re-read again, her email with the bad news. I am very upset. Lester!!!

Politically active?

I've been writing letters to legislators like nobody's business - something I've never done before. My topics of choice? Support and certification for direct-entry midwives in SD and mercury-free vaccinations in MN. It is so easy - simply go to their website or the legislative website for your state, fill in the necessary information and let 'er rip. It feels good to know that I am voicing my opinions to people who have true influence over laws that affect our lives. I wish I had started sooner!

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone?

The last couple of days, Starbeans keeps pulling down old photo albums to look at. I've been leafing through them and have been in shock that we lived a full 5 years of marriage and almost 4 years before that without our little munchkin. Can it be? Memories are flooding back and I remember...life before baby. It was good. It is strange to me that I barely remember it until I see a visual reminder. Life is good now as well, but very different. I look at pictures of our apartment and think, "Ack! A baby would tear that place apart!" Ah, yes...life is different.

One thing that particularly struck me was how great I looked. Why did I worry that I wasn't up to par when my skin was so clear and fresh and young and smooth? Feelings of doubt certainly didn't dominate my thought-life then, by any means; but it lurked in the shadows. Ridiculous. I should be listening to myself present-tense, because I know I'll be saying the same things 5-10 years from now. Damn, I look good.

My little darlin'

Starbeans likes going down the "dide" at the playground near our house. Incidentally, this playground is at a building owned and formerly operated by the Minneapolis Crisis Nursery. They pulled up stakes and left a year ago because they cannot currently afford to run it (their main site is in Golden Valley, MN). We miss having them there.

Yummy yummy yo-go

We eat a lot of yogurt at our house: plain, tangy, and oh-so-delicious. It calms Squeeze's digestive system when he hits a speed bump and makes the perfect 2 AM snack for the pregnant lady. Starbeans loves it, too. He calls it "yo-go".

We eat so much of it that we were buying and consuming anywhere from 3-4 tubs a week. It was getting a little spendy (but not something we wanted to curtail), so I started making it. I have gotten myself into the routine, where it is hardly a blip in the radar on the days I make it. I am also speculating that I might have to start making it every 2-3 days, just to keep up with demand.

Yogurt

4 cups milk
1/2 cup starter yogurt

Put the milk in a pan, put the heat on low and bring it to an almost-boil. Turn off the heat and let it cool to 115-120 degrees (I keep a thermometer in the pan through the process, so I can judge when it it close to boiling, in addition to knowing how quickly it is cooling). Once it has cooled to the appropriate temperature, remove the skin and pour the milk into a pre-warmed bowl [a Pyrex bowl is ideal]; mix in the yogurt starter, then stick it in the oven for 6 or so hours.

I periodically (sometimes only once or twice) turn the oven up to 200 degrees for a minute or so, to keep things warm-ish. The goal is to keep the milk mixture undisturbed and at a consistent-as-possible temperature of around 100 degrees, in order for the yogurt to culture.

I've made all sorts of mistakes, including letting the milk come to a full boil; accidentally turning the oven to 200 for 5-10 minutes; and having to take the bowl out, cover it, and put it in a towel-lined cooler for the rest of the time (I had to use the oven for something else). And somehow, it has always turned out, which leads me to believe it is easier to make yogurt than one would think. You should try it!

Robots in disguise

We were sitting and talking during a muted television commercial the other day. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a car, but didn't pay much attention until Squeeze exclaimed, "Is that a Transformers hub cap??" Sure enough, it was.

Transformers...more than meets the eye!

Thoughts about birthing

I've been thinking about going through childbirth again recently. I'm actually looking forward to it. It was such a consuming experience; and as those intense feelings have faded through time, I'm very curious to do it again.

I want to do a homebirth for a number of reasons:

• Comfort: Being in my own home, in familiar surroundings. I don't want to plod around a hospital room again.
• Family: Staying close to Starbeans. Squeeze was with me the entire time with our first delivery; his presence was solid. I want to be near Starbeans with my second delivery (for crying out loud - we've never even had a babysitter!). I do not want to be separated from him for the 12-15-25-who-knows how many hours of labor.
• Personal space: I did not appreciate being confronted by the decision whether to vaccinate Starbeans against Hepatitis within 24 hours of his birth ("either now or at his first doctor's appointment", she said). While I wasn't completely educated on my options at the time, I had enough wits about me to say, "At his first doctor's appointment!" [You may or may not know my opinions about vaccinations, but this should be said: Target populations for Hepatitis vaccinations are drug users who use needles, prostitutes, and health care workers...why are we inundating a newborns' fresh immune system with this???]
• Personal space, Part II: I want to be left alone to enjoy my newborn for the first few days of his/her life and not experience the constant interruptions to test their vitals, as if their very life was in danger. I understand hospital regulations and liability, but enough already! [That's why I want to be home.]

Does anyone with homebirthing experience have advice on how to find a homebirthing midwife? We went through the midwives at HCMC last time; my experience was largely positive, but I'm (obviously) ready to give birth at home. My only concern is cost: our co-pay last time was $800. I've heard that a homebirth can run $2000 (assuming that our insurance, with is new, doesn't cover it). From a cost perspective, especially with finances as tight as ours, this may affect our decision. Advice. Please!

I've got nothing

I'm making lentil soup while Starbeans naps this afternoon. That's all I have to say about that.

Up-gee mystery: mostly solved

I'm fairly certain that up-gee means hungry. Last night, Squeeze was saying something about being hungry and Starbeans said, "Up-gee!" although not as clearly as he had those two different mornings. Throughout the evening, I kept peppering him with, "Can you say, 'hungry'?" and he said up-gee every time. Again, not as clearly.

It got me thinking. Because I'm so hungry every morning, I often try and get us going on food as soon as we wake up. [We co-sleep, so I get up when he gets up.] I say, "Starbeans, are you hungry? Do you want some breakfast?" several times each morning to start moving towards the end-goal of FOOD. He must have been extra-hungry those mornings, I guess.

Speaking of up-gee - man, am I hungry.
What's new these days???

Up-gee!

What does "up-gee" mean? Up-gee, pronounced with a hard 'g'. On two different mornings now, Starbeans points and the wall and says, "Up-gee! Up-gee! Up-gee!" I tried to get him to show me what up-gee was, but he just brought me to the back room and started playing with his cars. It reminds me of a story my mom told me about myself at that age: she said I came rushing into the room, saying, "Loomy! Loomy! Loomy!" but she had no idea what I was talking about. I was pointing in a specific direction as well, so she had me bring and show her the loomy, which turned our to be the living room. That story makes a lot more sense now that I have a toddler of my own.

I also called one of my grandpas "Pon-tee", while Starbeans calls both his grandpas "Bupa". One of my nieces called my father-in-law "Bah-ta". She also had an imaginary friend named "Creek Boobah". That might be my all-time favorite imaginary friend name. Creek Boobah!! It's just so cool.

I've been feeling well (other than extreme hunger and lots of sleep). There has been no barfing or nausea whatsoever. By this time with Starbeans' pregnancy, I had thrown up at least 10 times [I know, because I kept a Barf Log]. Mostly, I think, because I couldn't grasp the concept of how frequently I had to eat. I am much better about that this time around, forcing something down every couple of hours; but I also think it has something to do with continued nursing. Kellymom has a whole section on tandem nursing and it seems that many women report that their nausea and nursing sickness is diminished or knocked out when they nursed during pregnancy. I don't know if that is true, but it seems to be the case for me; particularly combined with paying closer attention to how frequently I am eating.

However...thinking about it more, I do remember times where I was brushing my teeth and a wave a nausea would hit out of nowhere: I had to fight it with the strictest concentration to avoid puking. That hasn't happened this time. It would be interesting to talk to other tandem nursing mothers, to hear their input. But for now, all I have is kellymom and her survey of 100 or so people.

We are at 10 weeks today! Our due date is October 24.

Another calico post

There are many reasons why I've been so lax on my blog recently. First and foremost, I've been going to bed as early as possible and eating like an overworked ox. [I really should be in bed right now.]

Can anyone guess why? It starts with a "we" and ends with an "ine". Week nine.

Yep! Growing a baby really takes a lot out of a girl. And, (tee-hee) to all my former co-workers - I was only suspecting it at the end of my time at work, not ready to discuss or confirm. Using the infamous "child(ren)" in my farewell email was probably a subconscious mistake. I must say, though, I almost told Viiiiiiiiicky after she gave me her delicious carrot bread recipe and handmade card. I wonder if she saw my secret smile?

Secondly, we have been pounding the boards at home to maximize the amount of work we are able to get done, on many different levels: strategically, logistically, and physically. Much of my mental and physical powers have been drained by the almost-constant push to get things done. We are planning to go FSBO in selling our home, so I have been reading and researching endlessly in my quest to conquer our little corner of the housing market. Not to mention seeking a lender for our new home loan, setting terms for the purchase agreement on the new place, and organizing all of our financial details.

Finally, we've been sick the past week. Squeeze had a sinus infection that he was socking with endless salt washes. Starbeans fell ill after two bouts of congestion, which finally resulted in a double ear infection (our first tangle). I am proud to say that we conquered the beast through garlic oil & mullein ear drops, hot compresses, and keeping the kid in a hat 24/7. I was sick, too, and cleaned myself out with several salt washes and a hot compress. There is nothing worse than all going down at the same time. It is so nice to be [mostly] back to normal; especially Starbeans. It was terrible to see him suffer, rubbing and pulling at his ears like that, not to mention crying and whining incessantly. I understand why (the pain), but dang - it is hard to take.

And now, I must go to bed.

Sleeping cat(s)

Uh-oh

My little darling was joyfully ripping books off the bookshelf while Mama was vacuuming a ceiling and Dada was varnishing a handrail this weekend. Uh-oh - Mama's books! Nothing was destroyed, thankfully. I learned to keep the most vulnerable books a little higher after a beautiful old hymnal had its spine half-ripped off last summer.

Starbeans has his second runny nose in three weeks...such a bummer. We just cleared up the green goo last week, then hoo-haw, its back again. Shucks. At least he's learned to wipe his nose. I can hand him a diaper or a soft cloth and say, "Wipe your nose," and he does it. Today, he was in another room while I was in the kitchen and I spotted him wiping his nose all by himself. Amazing! I love seeing things click in his brain. Sometimes I try new things that I assume are way beyond his ability, just to see if he can do them. He usually can, which leads me to the conclusion that I'm the slow one. I've got to get with it!

I should also say...I am reveling in my new-found freedom from work. Being able to fully focus on Starbeans, our home, and our meals is thrilling! Our house is so much cleaner and I feel a lot less stress. I've also been able to join the playgroup I've always wanted to (but had to work) and have been able to socialize much more. I like it, I love it, I want more of it.

The birds are chirping and the sun is out

It's easy to feel dreamy on a day like today.

Much work, little time

We are in process of preparing our house for the market; in hopes of going rural this summer. Every weekend has been spent balls-to-the-wall, working our little fingers to the bone.

So far, we've replaced the bathroom sink; patched, primed, & painted; half-packed; organized; tossed; cleaned; vacuumed in spots we'd forgotten about for the last 4 years (yikes); and worked on various miscellaneous repair jobs. We are hoping to be ready to list in April, so it is down the the wire at this point. Wish us luck, we still have a long way to go!!

Blogroll

I finally added a blogroll to my sidebar, listing all the blogs I read on a regular basis. I don't know why, but I've always felt resistant to doing that, as if I were exposing myself. But I'm not exposing myself, I'm exposing them!

Lax

I've barely been posting recently. The last few weeks have been a huge transition for us in many ways. For those of you who check in on me regularly, I will post more in the future - I promise.

A quick Starbeans story...
One of our cats [unfortunately] pooped in the corner near our front door last week. We have no idea who the offender is; it happens now and then, but usually in the basement, where it is not quite as shocking. There was quite the exclamation about it when the poop was discovered and Starbeans spent his time pointing at it and saying, "Poooo!" before we cleaned it up. Yes, poo. It, of course, was disgusting. The funny part of the story is, every time the word poop is mentioned since, he runs to the corner, points, and says, "Pooooo!" I'm amazed by his memory.

First day of freedom

Today is my first official day away from cubeland. I'm not feeling it yet - give me a few weeks. With my new-found freedom, I made White Bean with Vegetables, Garlic, & Rosemary soup, chicken stock, yogurt (a first!), and hummus. [I should clarify that the yogurt and hummus are still in process.] It has been a good day.

I've recently made granola too - I never believed people when they said it was easy, but BOY! was it easy. I've made 2 batches in less than a week because we've wolfed it down so quickly. Like my favorite cookbook says, "adding a bit of nutmeg can make it taste downright mysterious"...and so it does.

Many hands make light work (for birthday greetings and Cheerios feasting)

Translation, please

This evening, as we were sitting down to a nice meal of rice with broccoli and cheese, Starbeans pointed to the counter and said, "Wa-oo! Wa-oo! Wa-oo!" For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what he was talking about. He usually says, "Bah! Bah! Bah!", "Tuh! Tuh! Tuh!" or "Cah! Cah! Cah!" and I say, "Yep, you're right - that's a ball [or a truck or a car]."

But this time, it took me a few blinks to figure out what he wanted. I almost thought about trying to ignore him or just saying, "Yep, uh-huh!"; but then it hit me - he was pointing to his sippy cup. So I handed him his wa-oo and he immediately downed a big swig, finishing off with a big, satisfied "Ahhhhh!!!" Apparently, the kid was thirsty.

Note to self:

When chopping onions within arm's length of a toddler who is "helping" you, don't let them touch the onions, even if they want to. The toddler will inevitably rub his onion-y hands in his eyes and all hell will break loose.

You tell 'em, Wendell!!

There is nothing more absurd, to give an example that is only apparently trivial, than the millions who wish to live in luxury and idleness and yet be slender and good-looking. We have millions, too, whose livelihoods, amusements, and comforts are all destructive, who nevertheless wish to live in a healthy environment; they want to run their recreational engines in clean, fresh air.

The Unsettling of America
The Art of the Commonplace - The Agrarian Essays
Wendell Berry

Wendell, Wendell, where have you been all my life?? I don't know if I would have been ready for you 10 years ago, but it would have been nice if you could have telekinetically transported your wisdom to my teenage brain from Kentucky to Stanwood, Washington. I would have listened, I promise.

Reader, if you want to have your mind blown over and over and over again, read this book. One of the main things I like about Wendell Berry, aside from my affection for the fact that he is similar in age to my paternal grandfather (mid-70's), is his shockingly simple and obvious observations on culture and history. His essays are so well-written that it seems like he is stating something that I should have known, but didn't. Things thought about in muddled fashion; theories brewing in my brain; answers only partially grasped; the path traveled these past few years; the importance of asking questions normally tossed to the wayside by the Public: all these things, he states so simply.

Please...read this book.

He didn't get jealous

But he was all over me for milky every time she had her bottle.

Oh, honey

Think of me, if you will. Tomorrow I will be caring for a 7 month old, my sweet toddler, and trying to be quiet for a husband who just started working from 10:30 PM - 7:00 AM. Goodness. I am interested in whether or not the little one will spur jealousy in Starbeans. Heaven knows he gets jealous the instant Squeeze and I hug; he stops in his tracks, squeals an indignant shriek and comes running to break up all the fun. Then we pick him up, Squeeze says, "Group Hug!" and we all snuggle faces and smooch, with his chubby little arms around our necks.

The question is: What will he think when I'm holding a real-life baby?

Off subject, today he said both "onion" and "egg". That's my boy! I would say his vocabulary is stretching into the realm of 50-60 different words. He hasn't pieced anything together other than "Nigh-nigh Dada" and actually, tonight, "I love you" - but it was more like "Eye-you". (We knew what he meant.)

He also says, "Bel-buh" for belly-button and will poke his finger in there saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" whenever the subject is brought up. He saw my belly-button today and pointed at me saying, "Bel-buh! Bel-buh! Bel-buh!" Even though I usually understand him, sometimes it takes me awhile to orient myself to what he is saying. "Yes, Starbeans - that's my belly-button," I said, "Oh, ouch...don't poke your bel-buh...that hurts! Ouch" (which inevitably came next).

He is also wild about pinching his nipples simultaneously and pointing at a scratch on his knee, saying, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" The things he gets into...

Winter, as it should be

A scent remembered

A particular smell can oftentimes bring me back to a certain time (or era) of my life. It serves as a vehicle that brings me into memory, acting as a back-drop for mostly-nostalgic daydreaming and remembrance.

• Tea tree oil reminds me of the excitement of reading through The Return of the King at work 4 or so years ago. I had mysteriously contracted ring worm (we think it was through our frequent visits the Humane Society) and was treating it through topical treatments of tea tree oil and garlic pills (which cleared it right up). The smell of tea tree reminds me of Minas Tirith, kingsfoil, the Battle for Pelennor Fields, the Rohirrim, Eowyn striking down the Nazgul king, and feeling dreamy on a winter's day.
• Tazo Cinnamon Tea reminds me of reading The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula Le Guin. The book takes place on a wintry planet and I read it during winter whilst drinking deliciously cinnamony tea. The very smell of it makes me think of sitting with my feet up in a section of empty cubes; savoring my tea, my book, and my break.
• Witch Hazel makes me feel like a brand new mother again: I was using this to help heal my sore perineal tissues right after Starbeans was born. Think babies, baths, and the fresh excitement of new motherhood.
• The scent of my high school gymnasium never fails to make me feel like I am 17 again, climbing up the ladder in the taping room with Eric Jones through several stories of boilers to the roof of the gym - the Christmas lights, feeling the excitement of being with my crush in such an interesting location, and my freezing cold feet (from going barefoot). [As the oldest of 5, I've been back to that gym for many games, baccalaureates, and graduations since leaving high school.]
• Brewing coffee in a percolator brings me back to general youth - elementary & junior high - and church functions. Mingling adults, small talk, and wondering about the prepubescent cute boys.
• Mingled perfumes: you know what I mean -- the very public smell of freshly cleaned bodies and spritzed-on body sprays, all mixed together. It is being young and at church; looking at ladies' hair, the freshly shaven faces of men, little kids running about.

Cuteness Alert

Starbeans calls Gumby, "Dah-dee!"
(always with the exclamation point).

Hindsight is 20/20

Every once in awhile, I take myself on a little Guilt Trip down Memory Lane.

I gave birth to Starbeans on the Nurse-Midwife unit at HCMC in Minneapolis. About half-way through our pregnancy, after reading a lot (and ditching our OBGYN), I leaned toward wanting to do a home birth; but Squeeze wanted a hospital birth for the first time, since we had no idea what we were doing. It made sense at the time. Our birthing experience was excellent: amazing. I would recommend the midwives to anyone.

However, after delivery we were moved to the OB unit: the midwife unit was shut down for cost effectiveness, because there were only two of us there that night. I understood, but I also felt a bit like I was being sent to the wolves. I suppose it isn't entirely fair to judge the OB unit and its nurses in this way, but in all honesty, that was my base feeling.

I do have a few complaints, including being told by one of the nurses, an older woman, "We'd ask you that you don't sleep in bed with your baby"; having to fend off a Hepatitis vaccination less than 24 hours after birth (because newborns really need the Hepatitis vaccine, instead of target populations like health workers, prostitutes, and heroin addicts); and the constant interruptions, making sure both baby and I were still alive [sarcasm intended]. I understand the reasons behind these actions, but...I still don't like 'em.

Now here we get to the part that can make me cry (if I think about it long enough):

I had no idea what to do with a newborn. I didn't know what to do when he cried or wiggled around and snorted; Squeeze didn't either. We were exhausted from the lack of two nights' sleep, feeling like zombified husks of ourselves. Since the nurse had told me not to sleep with my baby and I like keeping the peace (see: ENFP), coupled with my complete inexperience, I wasn't really sure what else to do. I tried rocking the bassinet back and forth, but that didn't help. I may have tried to lay him next to me, even against the wishes of the Dread Nurse, but wasn't really sure what to do with that either. I was tired. Exhausted.

I may sound like a complete dope, totally unprepared for motherhood, instincts gone awry. I'm not sure really what I was. However...

One of the nurses had said, "If you need us to come and bring him to the nursery, so you can sleep, just press this button." So (and this kills me) - I did.

"Oh - great," said the nurse, "I was going to come in and check his vitals anyway." She also, for some reason, needed to completely undress him - so as he was wheeled from our room, I could hear him wailing all the way down the hall. I was in the bathroom; sore, bruised, and bloodied, sitting on the toilet, smelling raw flesh and blood [the scent I equated with him at the time] and bawled my eyes out. It was the kind of weeping that came out of the marrow of my bones - deep, wide, and suffocating.

I sat there and cried by myself, foolishly thinking that Squeeze was asleep on the pull-out armchair. He wasn't, and soon I felt a comforting hand on my back, Squeeze telling me that I had made the right choice - what else could I do? I needed to get some sleep so I could take care of him tomorrow. His compassion was strengthening, even if I knew our reasoning was completely whacked out.

Through hindsight, I understand that we were inexperienced. We honestly didn't know any better. I know that Starbeans is not tainted or tarnished from that experience, nor will he even probably think much of it (until, perhaps, he has his own children). Its negative effects are mine alone. I also realize that I will be knowledgeable and prepared for our next baby: understanding and experience will be mine. I will do everything within my influence and power to orchestrate a home birth. I want to be in the comfort of my own home, empowered by my own decisions, surrounded by my family, and free to recuperate on my own (in my own bed).

This, that, and another thing

I don't have anything cohesive to say, so this post will be stream of consciousness...

• Today, Starbeans saw one of the cats on the counter while I was in the other room. I could hear him shouting, "Dow! Dow! Dow!" from the distance. Atta boy!
• Every once in awhile, when it is time to change his diaper, I can say, "Starbeans, come here...it's time to change your diaper" and he'll come demurely, even lying down on the laid out diaper. Most of the time, that is the trigger to run in the opposite direction wildly (as well as looking really cute).
• Squeeze spent the weekend replacing our bathroom sink. Along with that chore came: patching up the wall, priming, and re-painting. He did a dandy job! Our bathroom looks much bigger now with the pretty little pedestal sink vs. the old nasty cupboard-style sink. Good riddance.
• Starbeans created his own sign for "sharp": he holds out his left palm and touches his left pointer finger to it, saying, "Ow...ow...ow". He does the same thing with butter knives (when he can get ahold of one).
• Just this past week, I've had Starbeans helping me in the kitchen. He likes to pour the contents of measuring cups into bowls, stir, and pretend to wash dishes. It is really nice, actually. He is extremely entertained by it; I have time to get some work done while keeping an eagle eye on him; he's learning how to help; we can spend time together instead of him getting bored (and complaining) on the floor by himself. We have both really enjoyed it!
• Squeeze is finally transitioning into a full-time position at his workplace. I've been waiting a year and a half to be able to stay home; working part-time has been good for me/us in a lot of ways, but I am so very ready to focus on our child(ren) and home. [Not pregnant.] Only one more week to go, then I am freeeeeee. Goodbye Cubeland (forever). You've been good to me, but now it is time for us to part.
• Did you know Zsa Zsa Gabor has had 8 husbands? I googled her this weekend, for some reason.
• I killed mildew on our bedroom window sill this weekend with 12 drops GSE (Grapefruit Seed Extract) to 1/2 cup water. Thank you, Better Basics for the Home. Incidentally, GSE is also a natural antibiotic.

TTFN, internets.
To bed with me!

Not enough T-I-M-E

I've got 6 library books waiting for me...
No blogging tonight!

Laugh out loud (at 4 am)

While lying in bed in the wee morning hours last night, I started thinking about how my maternal grandmother gave all her grandchildren flashlights for the Christmas of 1999. She never specifically said that they were for Y2K, but I always had my suspicions.

The year before that, we all got world maps and atlases. The year before that, giant black beach towels with exotic flowers & foliage: males and females alike, no matter of our age. My aunt said that she always bought whatever was on sale at the drug store.

She and my grandpa don't leave the house much anymore, unless someone comes to get them. All of her presents are bought through her daughters now; so, while very nice, they've become a little less exciting: books, table clothes, sheets, baby sets, etc.

Sometimes I miss the 'old days', but time marches on. Soon, I'll be the one sending Happy Hanukkah cards for birthdays or Halloween - not unlike my great-grandpa (her father). Maybe it runs in the family!

'An Ode to My History' by a. borealis

This weekend I read through many of the letters I wrote to Squeeze over the 4 years we were dating (ages 19-22). I wasn't as much of a dope as I thought I was; for the most part, they are articulate and well written, with interesting content (aside from the "I miss you", "I wish I were with you", "I'd rather be with you right now" bits - which were numerous).

It was like a walk down memory lane. Some things, I knew exactly what I was talking about. Other sections were like a jog to my memory: I had totally forgotten about them, but could recall the events or situation while reading about it. Still, others were completely forgotten: I read it, then wondered what on earth I was talking about, or like a story, forgot the ending. It was fun!

I especially enjoyed one of the first notes I wrote him, asking him "not to go for me" because "it would ruin the potential for a very bright friendship" and thanking him for an enjoyable evening of wrestling. Yes: we wrestled wildly the first night we hung out (I remember picking him up with my legs in an airplane hold and throwing him into his closet door). We were 19.

The other one I enjoyed (perhaps the most), was a very dramatic letter written on December 31st, 1999: I was at my parents' house for Winter Break; we had been "broken up" for all of December and most of November of that year. I say "broken up" because Squeeze doesn't even remember this as truth (in his mind it never happened, because he never truly wanted it to be over). We still saw each other, though not as regularly, and this letter was me saying, "Enough." It hurt too much to see him; I was accepting our fate and sealing the deal: I didn't want to see him anymore. We were married 8 months later.

Ain't love grand??

My first meme: ABCs

meme (mēm) n. A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another.

This meme came from Mama C-ta. I've never done one before, but thought I'd finally give it a whirl. Wheeeee!

A: Available or married? Married (6.5 years)
B: Best Friend? My husband, but I treasure my kindred spirits.
C: Cake or Pie? Pie, as long as it isn't overly sweet
D: Drink of Choice? Water, please!!
E: Essential Item? A nice-sized bag to be able to carry around all my other essentials [daybook, water bottle, pen(s), camera, chapstick]
F: Favorite Color? GREEN [it's just so lovely]
G: Gummi Bears or Worms? In the day, I would have said Black Forest gummi bears - but now, it takes me weeks and weeks to get through one package.
H: Hometown? Stanwood, WA - going back 4 generations on my mother's side [but I only lived there from ages 14-18]
I: Indulgence? Sleeping butt n^ked on clean sheets.
J: January or February? January - winter is still fresh at that point; things start getting a little old by February.
K: Kids & names? One child; male; 18 months; online, known as "Starbeans"; in real life: Sneg (just kidding...)
L: Life is incomplete without? Good books, good food, good sleep, satisfying conversation
M: Marriage Date? August 12, 2000
N: Number of Siblings? I am the oldest of 5: three brothers (27, 24, 21) and one sister (18)
O: Oranges or apples? Current obsession...APPLES. I love Cortland, Braeburn, and Cameo the best - it seems that my favorites are tart, crisp, and mildly sweet.
P: Phobias/Fears? I like spiders in theory & for their role in the ecosystem; but unfortunately, seeing them in real life gives me the creeps.
Q: Favorite Quote? As much as I read, I cannot think of even one [am I pathetic?]
R: Reason to Smile? I had waffles with apple sauce for breakfast this morning - they were delicious.
S: Season? Autumn - crisp days, sunny afternoons, brightly colored leaves, smoke-scented air.
T: Tag three people! Nah.
U: Unknown fact about me: Once, in 9th grade, I clotheslined my neck on the volleyball net diving after a ball in P.E., giving myself a terrible rope burn that stretched across my entire neck; those who didn't know me thought it was a hickey.
V: Vegetable you hate? Uhmm...not applicable
W: Worst habit? Forgetting to eat until I am way too hungry [& then getting wacko-crabby from it]
X: Xylophone? Ring-a-ling-a-ding-dong
Y: Your favorite food? Anything with tons of vegetables.
Z: Zodiac? I'm a libra...but I don't really know what that entails.

Cat problem: solved

Does anyone ever have people leaving comments that are in no way related to the post? Check this out. I don't get it. There I was, wallowing sorrowfully in the fact that my cat is peeing outside of the litter box; and I have one person telling me that it was a "great post", while the other one says how he has recently moved and misses his old 'hood. By the way, I know do not know either of these people.

Now, A-Lo and Aravinth - if you are sincere in your comments, my apologies. They just strike me as outlandish and bizarre. Perhaps people are just trying to get their names out there? This is most definitely not the blog to do that, as only a handful of people look at it per day. Maybe they thought they were commenting on a different blog? Whatever the case, it is just so we-ird.

As for Lester, the offending feline, we came to a suitable solution. When we go rural, hopefully by this summer, he will become an Outside Cat. He'll have his own little cat house by the front door and can pee wherever his little heart desires. This will also solve the issue of our self-induced Feline Mania, as we will be booting out Lester's side-kick, Toots, as well; they can snuggle together in their cat house at night and hunt mice together by day. And we'll have 2 less cats in the house! The other two, Lit Bay and Little Bud (I know...I know...ridiculous names) are virtually harmless and much more manageable.

We have realized that is it totally insane to have 4 cats under one roof. What were we thinking? We weren't; or at least, we were not thinking of a future with anyone else to take care of aside from ourselves and the fur balls. Adding a child into the equation changes the entire situation. As another blogger once said so well, "I could have written pages and pages before they [her children] were born; but now, they are just pets." Yes mama, with a capital Y! I like, enjoy, and feel affectionate towards our cats, but I'm not longer willing to slave for them. Done.

For clarification, Lester's main peeing problem is this: he has chronic urinary tract infections that only stop with a raw food diet. I can handle that. Part II of his peeing problem is that he likes to urinate on anything sitting on the floor in our basement: plastic bags, laundry baskets, blankets, etc. Every once in awhile that problem comes upstairs, which is twice the annoyance; but thankfully, has never happened on the carpet - it has always been on the vinyl or wood floors.

Once (and this is insane), when Starbeans was first born, I was lying on the living room floor, admiring my newborn. Lester walked by and stopped by my head; I saw him out of the corner of my eye and I thought his legs were positioned strangely. As I sat up, I saw that he was squatting in a peeing position and literally peed on the floor where my head was. This is not a joke. Right on the floor: as in, he would have peed on my head if I hadn't of sat up. What the...? So, we have definitely have problems.

If anyone is interested in a raw food diet for their pet, check out Natural Health for Dogs and Cats by Dr. Pitcairn. It is a really good book: we've used it a lot. It is packed with recipes and is a good source for first aid, up-keep, dealing with health problems, etc. Pitcairn strongly advocates a raw food diet and spits tacks about dried food - and it makes sense: if you think long enough about what goes into dried cat/dog food to keep it from rotting, it'll give you the heebie-jeebies. Check it.